I'm looking for volunteers to read the whole story, fewer than 750 words. This story is for Writer's Digest Your Story #14 contest. The prompt: "A man receives a package with no return address. It contains a pirate-style eye patch and a note."
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Bob Arnold removed a lumpy, brown envelope from his Rubbermaid mailbox. Curiosity shifted to confusion as he noticed the envelope, addressed to him, listed no return address.
"Who's it from?" he murmured to no one as he followed the path. He pushed on the crinkly bulge.
When he entered the kitchen, his wife peered over his shoulder. "What'd we get?" Sherry asked.
He showed her the small package. "Just this."
"Real stamps. Must be personal."
Inside the envelope, Bob found a pirate-style eye patch, faded black and ragged around the edges, and a note typed like the address. The note read simply, "Wear for luck."
[This message has been edited by aspirit (edited September 20, 2008).]
Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :
Ooo, I'm intrigued. The prompt was certainly a fun one, but more, I like your solid writing style. The only thing that stuck out at me was "Curiosity shifted to confusion" in only the second line. Maybe just stick with the feeling of "confusion," to tighten and avoid too many abstract emotions in the opening lines? But that's so nitpicky of me. I really enjoy the mystery and would be pleased to look at the rest. I owe you anyway. Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :
I appreciate nitpicky, especially for a flash piece.
The rest is on its way to you.
Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :
Hi Aspirit,
I'm off critiquing duty this week, so I can't look at it, but a few very minor nitpicks from the 1st 13...
I don't think you need to have Bob saying "where did it come from?" to himself. Once we've got the description of their being no-return address, we have all the information we need. I've never liked characters talking to themselves, it often comes across slightly false. If you don't need to do it for whatever reason, I'd get rid of it.
Maybe I'm missing something obvious or the US postal system is different to ours, but the line "Real stamps. Must be personal" threw me. What do you mean by this?
Finally, you can probably just say "typed note".
Anyway, all minor nits and it's a clever approach to the story guidelines. Definitely enough to get me to read over the page.
Nick
Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :
Nick, U.S. businesses use metered postage (an ink-stamp from a machine), permit imprints (a box printed on the mailpiece, used in high-volume mailings like "junk mail"), or postage labels printed from the Postal Service's website. Except in rare cases, I see stamps only on mailpieces from someone I've met, like a family member or old coworker.
