Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled, Sci-Fi, Unfinished

This is topic Untitled, Sci-Fi, Unfinished in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Hope to finish this one today, so I'll be looking for readers.

Here is the first 13.

quote:
The lift pitched and lurched on its way up the long shaft causing my stomach to tighten. A cold wind whistled through the many gaps between the wood planks that made up the rickety car.
“We should get ready, Leigh,” Mom said over the din of the other passengers.
I nodded and began pulling additional clothes from my pack. They were older and more tattered than what I already wore but would provide and extra layer of protection against the sub-zero temperatures and deadly wind above.
“Goggle’s on,” the operator called out.
I fished my goggles from my pack and wiped the ultraviolet lens before pulling them over my eyes. The heavy cloth shawl I wrapped around my head smelled of mildew and old mushrooms.

~Anthony

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

Either I am off my game today or this piece read well from me. My only nit was the second sentence, it read more difficult than I felt it could.

quote:
A cold wind whistled through the many gaps between the wood planks that made up the rickety car.

I might suggest- A cold wind whistled through the gaps in the wood planks of the rickety car.

You can send it to me. A couple day turn around, alright?

Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Thanks for reading. Story sent.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

Happy to read after the weekend.

Nick

Posted by SolarStone (Member # 3524) on :

Minor nits; since it's 1st person POV maybe start out, "My stomach tightned as the lift pitched..." so right away we're in it and in the POV's head. And what's an ultraviolet lens? Do you mean lenses that protect from UV light exposure? Send this to me at governmentkid@hotmail.com. This is the first story I've seen in months that I want to read.

Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Sent to Nick and Solarstone.

Thanks for reading.

~Anthony

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

The lift pitched and lurched on its way up the long shaft causing my stomach to tighten.
I agree with SolarStone about this sentence; switch it.

A cold wind whistled through the many gaps between the wood planks that made up the rickety car.
Agree with Tiergan about this one. I am definitely interested by now, good scene setting.

“We should get ready, Leigh,” Mom said over the din of the other passengers.
Would he be able to hear the cold wind over this din? I feel like the fact that there are a bunch of loud people in the lift was withheld, as I pictured a quiet, creepy ride.

I nodded and began pulling additional clothes from my pack. They were older and more tattered than what I already wore but would provide and extra layer of protection against the sub-zero temperatures and deadly wind above.

“Goggle’s on,” the operator called out.

I fished my goggles from my pack and wiped the ultraviolet lens before pulling them over my eyes. The heavy cloth shawl I wrapped around my head smelled of mildew and old mushrooms.

Other than those minor nits, I am definitely intrigued. I will read. Send it on.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited September 26, 2008).]

Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Thanks for looking alliedfive. I sent it on.

~Anthony