Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Anorexia mirabilis

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Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi everyone,

1st 13 of unfinished story. Comments on the 1st 13 greatly welcomed and any readers when the story is finished.

Regards,

Nick

Old 13

quote:

John sat by the hospital bed, quietly watching over his sleeping daughter. Jennifer’s skin clung to her bones, her body so thin that she looked like she was made of coathangers. An IV-drip pierced the skin at her elbow. A heart monitor kept a slow metronomic pace.
From the doorway, a doctor gestured. John kissed Jennifer on the forehead (her skin like dried autumn leaves against his lips) and walked over. “Can you promise me that she’ll start eating?” he said.
“I can’t make promises Mr Stringer. Not while the angels are still here on earth.” She paused. “There’s one at the hospital right now, but we’re hoping it will leave soon.”

New Thirteen - 161008

quote:
Jack quietly watched over his daughter as she slept in the hospital bed. Her skeletal body looked like a jumble of coathangers wired together. The growtech nutri-leech at her elbow was the only thing keeping her alive. After a while, he became aware of a female doctor beckoning him from the doorway. He kissed Jennifer on the forehead and walked over. “¿Habla usted inglés?”
“Si, I studied in New York. I am Doctor Paola Lopez,” she said. “You are the Jack Steel, true? It appears your daughter has been starving herself for our ángel.”
“It’s not a damn angel. And I’m a senator now, not an actor. My real name is Jack Kemp,” he said.

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited October 17, 2008).]

Posted by Lyrajean (Member # 7664) on :

Nice, am intrigued. Good hook.

I was looking around for suggestions I could make but only came up with one. I think you could find a better way to break up that sentence in the middle than to resort to the dreaded parentheses. It disrupts the flow just when we're expecting something to happen. But do find a place to put in that bit about Jennifer's skin being like autumn leaves as I like the image it leaves behind in my mind -sorry bad pun.

Overall very good.

Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :

Sitting is not the most exciting way to start a story. I like the "quietly watching over" line, though. Maybe make that John's first action.

The second sentence is awkward. Find a more artful, concise way to say that.

"Gestured" could mean a thousand things. Be more specific.

Parenthesis? Why? Just describe it, then have him walk over in the next sentence.

Show me the doctor doing something rather than pausing. Thumbing through papers or at least taking a deep breath.

Angels in the hospital is a neat hook. I can read when you're done.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi guys,

Thanks for the feedback. I get the feeling I'm trying to squeeze too much into the opening 13 to get the hook in.

Regards,

Nick

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

I think its good. Doesn't feel like your trying to "Squeeze" when I read it, so unless others say something about it I think your good to go.

My only concern is the "(her skin like dried autumn leaves against his lips)". This makes me think of brittle leaves that snap to pieces under my shoes when Im walking on the sidewalk. So I kind of picture dry crunchy skin. blah, I don't think you going for that. PLUS - you have done a good job already of establishing Jennifer's current condition.

I would suggest dropping this line altogether.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Devnal,

That's actually the image I was going for (dry, dessicated skin), but it's overload when I've already established his daughter's illness (as you'd identified). The reason I thought I'd squeezed things in is because of the vagueness in some of the lines that TheOnceandFutureMe picked up. I wanted to expand on the doctor's actions, but that pushed the "hook" past the 13 lines.

Thanks for taking the time to look at this.

Regards,

Nick

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Kathleen,

Can you please re-title this "Anorexia mirabilis - SF 6,800 words"?

This story is finally finished after various computer mishaps.

If anyone would like to critique the whole thing, it would be greatly appreciated. I also have a new 1st 13 as per the original post.

Regards,

Nick

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited October 16, 2008).]

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

I'm not too keen on the title, it somehow makes the story sound like it's going to be hard work...

I preferred the image of Autumn leaves from the first draft, I think it says a lot more than likening his daughter to coathangers--that image sounds cold and emotionless and tells us nothing about how he feels for his daughter.

And if I was being picky I'd think the doctors would know his name as his daughter will have the same name...but that's just looking for nits as so far it looks decent enough.

Thanks for the Aspiranto crit, I'll be glad to repay the favour if you want to send this one over.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

Thanks, it's been sent.

Regards,

Nick