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How could it be? Could this man siting before him really, truthfully, be the monster detailed in his orders? This warm elderly man smiling as his granddaughter tumbled on the serf. Breaking his smile every few minutes to flash a silly face, that sent the child into a fiery fit of giggles. For almost a week he has been tracking this seemingly warm man, and throughout the whole time nothing occurred that could even near condemn the man as the orders did. Even before when people tried to hide their inner darkness, at some point, some moment in time, if even for an instant, there was always a hint of the sickness held inside. It wasn't possible.
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Thank you
[edit]
I posted what I thought was 13 line but now it looks much less can I add more?
[This message has been edited by Jonsul (edited September 23, 2008).]
However, if this is a short story, it belongs in the other Fragments and Feedback area.
There are some typos and grammar issues, which can be easily polished out. The last two sentences are a little clumsy - I'm not sure what point you're trying to make. That everyone's a little black, no matter how hard they try to hide it? That at some point people tried to hide their darknesses, but they don't anymore?
You also need to watch your time. Most of this is past tense, except for "For almost a week he has been tracking." This could be a typo, though.
That aside, like I said, this has a lot of promise. The dichotomy between happy grandfather and pure evil is intriguing. I specially love your "fiery fits" line. Great image and alliteration. You just need to get some sandpaper and buff it out.
TBeard thanks for the critique. I didn't realize there was trouble understanding who was there.
Actually there's only the old man and the main character. He has the order on paper with him. He's merely observing the man from a distance as he has a conflict within him.
Basically the man is condemned to die for horrible things, yet he has seen nothing that showed this man deserved death. The main character is part of an underground guild of holy assassins. The Children of Zion.
All his targets before had obvious evil in them, yet this old man shows nothing but being a normal happy person. He begins questioning the motives of the order.
I wish I could put up the next paragraph so it all could be clearer. I wouldn't see any harm as I was planing to have both paragraphs on the first page anyways.
"Could a man made silly faces at a baby be the same as the monster who torched the town of XY? No one had been spared. Not even the babies. Maybe the ERMs (Evil Robot Monkeys) had the identification wrong."
For almost a week MC haD trackED this seemingly warm man, and throughout the whole time nothing occurred that could even near (none of his actions?) condemnED the man as the ERM's orders did. Even before when people tried to hide their inner darkness, at some point, some moment in time, if even for an instant, there was always a hint of the sickness held inside.
It has lots of possibilities. Keep working on it.
quote:
I didn't realize until after I posted that there was a second. I read the forum rooms from the bottom and I clicked the first feedback room I saw. Won't happen again.
Well, Jonsul, I can move this over to the correct Fragments and Feedback area, if you like.
okay I'm sending you the first scene
And yeah if you want to move it, I'd be fine
thanks
[edit] By the way here's a small update, I just changed around a few words and such. No big changes yet.
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How could it be? Could this man siting before him really, truthfully, be the monster detailed in his orders? This warm elderly man smiling as his granddaughter tumbled on the serf. Breaking his smile every few minutes to flash a silly face, that sent the child into a fiery fit of giggles. For almost a week he had been following this seemingly warm man, and throughout the whole time nothing occurred that could even near condemn the man as the orders did. Even before when people tried to hide their inner darkness, at some point, if even for an instant, there was always a hint of the sickness held inside. Compared to those, this man was a saint, It wasn't possible.
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[This message has been edited by Jonsul (edited September 26, 2008).]
By the way TBeard I sent you the first scene, haven't heard back yet?