Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sci-Fi, The Infected, About 4100 Words

This is topic Sci-Fi, The Infected, About 4100 Words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003279

Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

I'm back on this one after a few weeks. Here is a reworked first 13.

The previous first 13 can be found here...
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum11/HTML/003222.html

quote:
Chuck Hogan thought he might melt. The beautiful young girl’s touch was electric and the feeling of her breath on his neck setting him on fire.
“Ruby,” he protested. “We can’t do this. Not right now.”
In the dim light from the ship’s console, her lips curled into a smile. She unsnapped another button on her blouse. “Sure we can. My dad is out cold in his bunk and no one else would come up here at this hour.”
“Come on, if Cap’ catches you up here with me he’ll drop whats left of me off at the next station --” An alarm sounded on the console.
PROXIMITY ALARM!
Chuck dumped Ruby into the adjacent seat and peered through the

I'm looking for thoughts on this as well as full readers. It should be done today.

Thanks!

~Anthony

Posted by mark_w_16601 (Member # 8229) on :

I am new, but this is how I would rewrite a few of your lines.

The beautiful young girl’s touch was electric and the feeling of her warm breath on his neck set him on fire.
“Ruby,” he protested. “We can’t do this.”
In the dim light from the ship’s console, her lips curled into a smile as she unsnapped another button on her blouse. “Sure we can. My dad is out cold in his bunk and no one else would come up here at this hour.”

“Come on, if Cap’ catches you up here with me, he’ll drop whats left of me off at the next station --” He jumped back as an alarm screamed out from the console.

PROXIMITY ALARM!

? Mark

Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Thanks for replying Mark.

Not that a recommendation of how you would rewrite isn't valuable but I think most people are going to be interested in WHY you would rewrite it.

Thanks again for the reply.

~Anthony

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

quote:
I think most people are going to be interested in WHY you would rewrite it.

Yes, please. Explain why you would make such changes. That's much more helpful than just making the changes.

Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

This is finally drafted if anyone wants to read.

Also, KD can you change the title of this thread to...

Sci-Fi, The Infected, About 4100 Words

Thanks!

~Anthony

Posted by sjsampson (Member # 8075) on :

I'll read, but I might not be able to respond until the weekend.

Posted by Rosalie005 (Member # 3676) on :

Hi anthony,

I would be happy to read your work and get back to you. It sounds a interesting, I don't know if there is a great "Hook" but sometimes the best parts are after 13 lines.

melissa