Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Reverse Sacrifices-A Tale of Demonmachy

This is topic Reverse Sacrifices-A Tale of Demonmachy in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

Slightly altered from a chapter in my novel into the form of a short story.

The Necrodelic and the Oneirophage stoically waited to be sacrificed by the Tantradox. Inside a temple made of stone, the
two demons were suspended, cruciform, from a gallows. They hung
side by side over an altar of sacrifice, bound by one continous, complicated harness of inflexible hempen rope. Their necks were constricted in nooses, their arms outstretched and tethered by the wrists to the poles of the gallows and its yoni rings above. The entire contraption combined to hold their bodies in the ancient, sacrificial, pentagram position, their heads and extremities forming the five points of a star, cutting off their energy centers and weakening them even further. Spiked ball gags had been placed in their mouths,

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[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited September 29, 2008).]

Posted by innesjen (Member # 6126) on :

A couple of comments:
I was confused with all of the pronouns in the beginning. I need more of a who's who before you toss a lot of names my way (i.e. The Necrodelic and the Oneirophage and the Tantradox).
This scene is a little hard for me to see. I think you could iron out some of the word choices to make the sentences clearer.
The phrase "one continous, complicated harness" I would choose either continuous or complicated, not using both because the image is stronger as either one or the other.

"Their necks were constricted in nooses, their arms outstretched and tethered by the wrists to the poles of the gallows and its yoni rings above."
I don't know what yoni rings are and this long sentence is confusing with: "their arms outstretched and tethered by the wrists" maybe switch the actions/images around. 'Their wrists were tethered/roped to poles of the gallows, leaving their arms outstretched' (or something like that).

"The entire contraption combined to hold their bodies in the ancient, sacrificial, pentagram position, their heads and extremities forming the five points of a star, cutting off their energy centers and weakening them even further. Spiked ball gags had been placed in their mouths,"
The sentence beginning "The entire contraption..." is too long and I feel like too many words are used to describe the position of their bodies, it makes it hard for me to visualize it when you give me so many words to describe it. Maybe say: 'hold their bodies in the pentagram position - an ancient sacrificial pose.' (or something like that).

Hope these comments help

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

This is not my cup of tea; nevertheless, I am intrigued enough to comment.

I like the two complicated names because they sound like titles for high-ranking officials. I think you could keep them if you lose “by the Tantradox” – we’ll find out about him later.

The word “stoically” is a strong choice. It hints at their personality.

Look for ways to trim; for example “temple made of stone” could be “stone temple”.

There is a lot of repetition. Suspended, hung, hold. All the references to rope/harness. Gallows, poles, contraption. Sacrifice and sacrificial. Even cruciform, arms outstretched, pentagram position, and forming a star.

You could trim it down quite a bit. A very aggressive approach might be: After “suspended… from a gallows” you could cut right to something like: They hung outstretched in the ancient pentagram position, their heads and extremities bound to form the five points… I like the weakened centers of energy bit.

Spiked ball gags! Whew, what a detail.