.Daniel.
Original:
Eddie lost control of his other body somewhere between the gas station and the grocery store. Instead of picking up skim milk and beef jerky, he took a detour and was robbing the Bank of America. Where he had gotten the gun and ski mask, Eddie didn’t know.
Eddie slumped in the McDonald’s booth and slurped his chocolate milkshake. He had been humming to Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas,” piped over the mall speaker system, but now his attention was on the robbery. He hoped his other self didn’t get arrested. That would be a tough one to talk his way out of.
The scanner on his belt beeped and transmitted some static. Then a voice came through: “Hey, Eddie, you there,
Revised version:
Eddie lost control of his other body somewhere between the gas station and the grocery store. Instead of picking up skim milk and beef jerky, he detoured to the nearest Wells Fargo and proceeded to rob it. Where the black ski mask and gun had come from, Eddie didn't know.
He slumped in his booth, sipped his decaf and hummed along to the mall’s holiday music; white Christmases were overrated, no matter what Bing Crosby said. The restaurant was stuffy, like someone had overcompensated with the heater, and it smelled of grease and salt. Some kid was launching fries at his back like soggy missiles.
He hoped his other self didn't get arrested. That would be tough to worm out of.
[This message has been edited by JenniferHicks (edited October 19, 2008).]
As there is only one character, many sentences can be structured with an implied subject and therefore eliminating the need to repeat name and pronouns.
Good Start.
#
Eddie lost control of his other body somewhere between the gas station and the grocery store. Instead of picking up skim milk and beef jerky, he detoured to a Wells Fargo, pulled on a black ski mask and proceeded to rob the bank.
Eddie slumped in the McDonald's booth, sipped his decaf and hummed to Bing Crosby's "White Christmas," the current jingle being piped over the mall speaker system. Some kid was pitching fries at his back, but he ignored it. His attention was on the robbery. He hoped his other self didn't get arrested; that would be tough to worm out of.
The scanner at his belt fuzzed with static. Then a voice came through: "Hey, Eddie, you there, man? It’s Bill."
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On the second draft, the last spoken line could use at least one less comma in my opinion. It's too broken up and if I read it out loud I wouldn't pause between "Hey" and "Eddie", and maybe not between "there" and "man", though that one could go either way. Also, I had a thought that maybe since there's static, the message might come in broken and then clear up. Like:
"He-- Ed--ou there---n? Eddie? It's Bill--can--hear me?"
That's quite possibly the worst demonstration of a broken message in all of the world. But you get what I mean, I hope. Just an idea, like I said. It works great either way! Keep it up!
Edit: And I agree with the suggestions above for changing the pronoun usage. Good call, people.
[This message has been edited by ianknowland (edited October 06, 2008).]
I'll think about putting the line back in about not knowing where the gun and mask came from.
Thanks.
I had a problem with the second paragraph also with the name, Eddie. I found it confusing. Eddie is the physical body in the McDonalds, right? So, I think it might be clearer if you have some way, a name or something, to help differentiate between the two bodies.
I am a bit confused. It sounds like there's Eddie (the mind/soul) who resides in a primary body and controls a secondary body. Does he think from within the perspective of the secondary body? I so want to see where you're going with this! Heck, send it over but I don't promise to get to it, okay?
.Definitely liked this one, and I much prefer the revised version.
The only tiny grumble is the slightly jarring shift from robbery to McDonalds, but I think that's probably unavoidable when you're writing a story in which the main character has 2 bodies.
If you're sending this out, I'd like to read the rest .
Daniel.