Bastien pressed his back against the cold stone wall, his knees tight against his chest. He wrapped an arm around Linette’s bony shoulders. Her skin was still pudgy and wan after the Vision, blue veins still lined her eyes and her breath still came in short, sharp gasps. Bastien listened to the sounds of footsteps on the road outside and tried to blink away the memory of the bridge of white gold that had torn at his mind as she clutched at him through her Vision. He squeezed her shoulder and rolled away onto his knees to look through a jagged hole in the wall. Tough yellow grass grew from the blackened stone around the hole and he had to hold it aside to look out onto the road. The first sun, pale and yellow, was hanging low in the sky. Night time wasn’t far away and long
This one is dark(ish) fantasy and 7.5k. Any comments on the 13 are welcome and offers to read the whole thing even better
Posted by sjsampson (Member # 8075) on :
quote:He squeezed her shoulder and rolled away onto his knees to look through a jagged hole in the wall. Tough yellow grass grew from the blackened stone around the hole and he had to hold it aside to look out onto the road.
This confused me because I thought he was looking through the hole and instead he's pulling grass away from it in the next sentence.
Go ahead and send the rest.
Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :
'Her skin was still pudgy and wan after the Vision, blue veins still lined her eyes and her breath still came in short, sharp gasps' - comma splice at 'blue'.
I agree with sjsampson - I'd change it to 'rolled away on his knees towards a jagged hole' or something, to avoid confusion. Also, the grass is growing FROM the stone? As in, out of it?
I'd read on. I'll happily look at the whole thing if you want, though if the crit isn't back to you tomorrow, it won't be done until Monday (I'm away at the weekend for my cousin's wedding).
Daniel.
Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :
I think you could use some paragraph breaks in that 1st thirteen, but I liked the writing and would read on.
I will read the whole thing. Send it on!
Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :
What else is there to add? Please, send the rest.
Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :
Bastien pressed his back against the cold stone wall, his knees tight against his chest. He wrapped an arm around Linette’s bony shoulders. Her skin was still pudgy and wan [Unusual adjective choices. Wan, in particular, is distracting] after the Vision, blue veins still [Repetition unnecessary] lined her eyes and her breath still [Repetition unnecessary] came in short, sharp gasps. Bastien listened to the sounds of footsteps on the road outside and tried to blink away the memory of the bridge of white gold that had torn at his mind as she clutched at him through her Vision.[Loses clarity at “blink away”. Too much information, too soon, perhaps.] He squeezed her shoulder and rolled away onto his knees to look through a jagged hole in the wall. Tough, yellow grass grew from the blackened stone around the hole and he had to hold it aside to look out onto the road. The first sun, pale and yellow, was hanging low in the sky. Night time wasn’t far away and long
Great start. Some nitpicking above. Be happy to read the whole thing if want to sent it over.
