quote:
Elizabeth gazed out the port side window of Tesla’s Legacy. The I-5 freeway cut through the Newhall pass below. The cars and trucks traveling on the freeway put her in mind of blood flowing through a vein. Further south she could see the outlines of Los Angles and her surrounding neighborhoods.
She turned her attention to the front window. The wide expanse of the Pacific lay ahead. Off to the left she could see the helicopter, TL-1 , Tesla’s eyes when net condensation commenced. It maintained a constant video link of Tesla, one it fed to the airship.
An image of Tesla’s Legacy shown on one of the six monitors inside the derigible. The blimp was covered in a bright silver skin. Large strips of thin copper vertically circled it. The
Second version
quote:
Elizabeth gazed out the port side window of Tesla’s Legacy. I-5 cut through the Newhall pass below, the cars and trucks putting her in mind of blood flowing through a vein. Further south she could see Los Angles and her surrounding neighborhoods. Out the front window, the wide expanse of the Pacific lay ahead. Off to the left she could see the helicopter, TL-1 , Tesla’s eyes when net condensation commenced.
An image of Tesla’s Legacy shown on one of the six monitors inside the derigible. The blimp was covered in a shiny silver skin. Large strips of thin copper vertically circled it. The gondola had a large dish attached to a mechanical arm near its aft section. She punched at the keyboard to zoom the view in closer. The gondola filled up the screen. She waved at the
Third version (and I'm not sure if its any better)
quote:
Elizabeth Henderson ran her hand across the surface of the console. Tesla’s Legacy was her baby, the fruit of her labors for the last ten years. Now so many wanted her baby to die.
The pilot, Dave Hurley, pointed at one of the six monitors in front of Elizabeth. It showed a wide view of the airship, a blimp with a shiny silver skin with thin strips of copper vertically circling it. “Looks like a Christmas ornament.”
She gave him a light backhand across his arm. “I think it’s beautiful.”
Elizabeth jumped when Nathan’s voice boomed over the speaker. “We have well-wishers waiting for us on the beach.”
“Thanks TL-1,” Dave answered to the helicopter pilot who would be Tesla’s eyes once condensation commenced.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited October 29, 2008).]
I shall be your critter today.
Elizabeth gazed out the port (hypen--I think)side window of Tesla’s Legacy(Personally would italicise the ships name all the way through, espeially if you start to here). The I-5 freeway cut through the Newhall pass below (Personally I would start this sentence with below as it puts the POV in the right place. e.g. Below, freeway cars cut...). The cars and trucks traveling on the freeway put her in mind of blood flowing through a vein(A little telling here, we know it is her POV .Why not: The cars and trucks sped down the freeway like blood cells pulsing through a vein.). Further south she could see (saw) the outlines of Los Angles and her surrounding neighborhoods.
She turned her attention (Wordy. Anywhere she looks is where he attention is, generally. She glanced through the front window; the wide expanse...) to the front window. The wide expanse of the Pacific lay ahead. Off to the left she could see (saw)the helicopter, TL-1 (doing what? I would suggest you give it a verb like hovering), Tesla’s(italicise: I was confused, thinking this was a person--but then I am an idiot) eyes when net condensation (interesting--hook!) commenced. It maintained a constant video link of Tesla, one it fed to the airship.(You say it's Tesla's eyes yet it seems to be only viewing Tesla? This bit is slighlty confusing.)
An image of Tesla’s Legacy (italiscise) shown on one (Be specific, it paints a more precise picture--which one?) of the six monitors inside the derigible. The blimp was covered in a bright (bright? DO you mean shiny or reflective? I personally would reserve bright for things like bright yellow etc., but that's just my choice.) silver skin. Large strips of thin copper vertically circled it. The
The prose is nice, the hook is slight, the net condensation thingy. However I kind of lost this with my confusion over the eyes bit. The TL-1 would be eyes of Tesla, but those eyes are seem to currently maintain a constant vido link of Tesla. I think you need to spell out some inpending doom a little more as net condensation could just be routine maintenance. If it was implied it may be a bad thing/risky thing or whatever then it raises the stakes and sinks your hook a little more.
I have identified the need to italicize the ship's name--which you have done in places, but not everywhere--because it didn't remain that way hen I cut and pasted it. So ignore it where it is wrong.
Build the hook a little more and I would definitely read on.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 28, 2008).]
I do have Tesla italicised in my story but forgot to {I} them when I placed it here (Doh). The Tesla eyes reference becomes clearer futher in. The blimp is a magnet for water vapor. It makes a cloud and takes it to a dryer spot. The cloud encircles the blimp so the copter needs to see for it.
Trying to cram all that info for a hook I believe won't work but this opening seems a bit bland to me.
Thanks a mil.
As you've identified, the hook isn't quite strong enough yet. There's a lot of space taken up with describing the Tesla, etc.
I really like the idea as you've described. Can you remove some of the description until later in the story and move the entry closer to the crisis? Mechanically, the rewrite is pretty solid, there's just not that sense of "that's interesting" for me yet. Nothing has really happened and I think you can skip on some of the placesetting until slightly later. All in all, it's pretty good, but lacks a little punch.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited October 28, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited October 28, 2008).]
The shifting focus (airship, freeway, LA, Pacific, helicopter, details on monitors, details on airship...) makes it hard to settle into the story and (possibly) prevents you from getting to what makes the situation unique.
You might want to think about trimming one or more of the 'camera' shifts, a name or two and some of the detail on the monitor and the ship in order to get into the action?
My 2 cents.
Thanks everyone. My instincts were correct because I also felt this opening was slow and disconnected. I may need to rethink this.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited October 29, 2008).]
Why would the pilot comment on the appearance of the blimp? He's seen it before.
Overall, the third attempt is clean and much improved. Not sure if it "grabs" me, but nothing turns me off either.
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited October 29, 2008).]
One thing, though--you introduce three people, plus the blimp, which seems almost a person in itself, and the concept of the blimp's eyes. It was a bit much right off the bat.