Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Whom Time and Tears have Not Forgotten (5000 words)

This is topic Whom Time and Tears have Not Forgotten (5000 words) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003316

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

I've been working on this one forever and just finished. I've made some changes to the first 13 and welcome any feedback. I'd also appreciate it if I could get some volunteers to read it. I'd be happy to trade critiques. I'm not sure whether I'd call it SF or Fantasy - it's just short of 5000 words. Thanks.

I hate to give away too much, but everyone seems to think this is a real downer - this is a story about redemption and hope with a SF twist.

Latest version:

The words were hurled back and forth across the room, some in flailing desperation and others with deadly precision – daggers, intended to pierce the soul. Meg’s face was as red as her blouse. She braced herself at the small table in the kitchen while Carl, still wearing his police uniform after getting off duty, forcibly paced the living room floor.

“I am sick of this!” he said. “I’m sick of this crappy apartment. I’m sick this marriage. I’m sick of you!”

Meg reeled back. “Then why don’t you just leave?” Her voice cracked and tears streamed down her cheeks.

“The hell I will. You’re the one that killed our son!”

“How can you say that?” She gasped between sobs. “You already know I blame myself. How can you be so cruel?”

1st version:
The words were hurled back and forth across the room, some in flailing desperation and others with deadly precision – daggers, intended to pierce the soul. Meg, wearing a red blouse that begged for a night out, braced herself at the small table in the kitchen. Carl, still wearing his police uniform from just getting off duty, paced the living room floor of their apartment, ranting violently.

“I am sick of this!” he shouted. “I’m sick of this crappy apartment. I’m sick this sham of a marriage. I’m sick of you!”

“Then why don’t you just leave?” Meg reeled back, her voice cracking and tears streaming down her cheeks.

“The hell I will. You get out! You’re the one that killed our son.”

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited October 30, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited October 31, 2008).]

Posted by Rosalie005 (Member # 3676) on :

I like what you have so far. Very charged and I have a good idea of what the scene looks like. I'd like to read the rest if you'd send it to me.

melissa

Posted by ereitman (Member # 8265) on :

What's the opposite of a barrel of laughs?

Basically I liked it. A couple of points:

1. "Intended to pierce the soul" is a little trite. I might just put a period after daggers, but then I like experimental grammar.

2. "braced herself at the small table" Is "braced" the word you want? I have trouble picturing the action.

3. "from just getting off duty" reads kind of wedged in there. Maybe "Carl had just gotten off duy, and paced...in his sweat stained...."

4. "he shouted" I don't think you need this. Between the way you've set the scene, his words, and the exclamation marks, I'm pretty sure he's shouting.

5. "sham of a marriage" is a little trite. I don't see a policeman saying "sham." I hear him saying something more like "I'm sick of this f***ing marriage," although I'm sure you can come up with a more worthy phraseology.

[This message has been edited by ereitman (edited October 31, 2008).]

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

You might like to consider starting with the dialog. What comes before does little other than summarize what is said. That would also let you push the story forward, once you've grabbed your readers attention.

I'll take a look at the whole piece, if you'd like to send it on over. Will probably take me a few days to turn it around, though.

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

I prefer not giving explanations, but establishing the early understandings that Meg is wearing a red blouse and that Carl is a police officer are essential to my story. I have experimented with other possibilities for presenting this information, but they have felt even more contrived.

Rosalie and Toby, I will try to email the stories to you tonight.

Thanks

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited October 31, 2008).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

nice rewrite.

I liked the first paragraph. Most of my comments are nits.

quote:
The words were hurled back and forth across the room, some in flailing desperation and others thrown? with deadly precision – daggers, intended to pierce the soul. Meg, wearing a red blouse that begged for a night out, Maybe put the "Meg" here so the red blouse doesn't intrude braced herself at the small table in the kitchen. Carl, still wearing his police uniform from just getting off duty same issue - it would be easier to read as "Still wearing his police uniform, Carl paced the living room floor" , paced the living room floor of their apartment I'm not sure I need to know it's an apartment yet , ranting violently "ranted violently" isn't necessary and is weak. His words get you there and are showing not telling me this.
“I am sick of this!” he shouted You could just use said because of the punctuation. Or, you could take out the exclamation mark since the words convey the tone . “I’m sick of this crappy apartment Yup, since he tells me it's an apartment, your narrative doesn't have to . I’m sick this sham Not a very police officer sounding word. Also something a bit more forceful will help set the tone better of a marriage. I’m sick of you!”
“Then why don’t you just leave?” Meg reeled back I think of "reeled back" from a blow. While I know what you're trying for, it didn't work for me , her voice cracking and tears streaming down her cheeks. Who is the POV??? Whose thoughts were the first paragraph? I would have bet it was Meg's but this description isn't in her POV
“The hell I will. You get out! probably don't need this <-- sentance since it's assumed You’re the one that killed our son

It's a solid start. I'm not sure I'd read on because of the topic BUT from a writing standpoint, I would.

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited October 31, 2008).]

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

Thanks for the suggestions kings_falcon. I'll definitely incorporate them into my final revision.

BTW, the mood changes soon after this exchange.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited October 31, 2008).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

Pretty strong start and I'm happy to read the whole thing. The subject matter doesn't put me off, but I'd like it to get moving into the speculative realm pretty quickly. I'd support Kings_Falcon's comments as well as the following minor nits.

Cheers,

Nick

My nits below:

quote:
The words were hurled back and forth across the room, some in flailing desperation and others with deadly precision – daggers, intended to pierce the soul.

Personally, I would have been satisfied by the plain text as an introduction, then moving onto Meg's face and then the description. The italics text is a little overwritten as a beginning for me...if it was later, I'd probably gloss over it, but I tend to be pickier with beginnings than when I've been won over. We get the fact that there's vicious words being said when we get to the dialogue at the end of the excerpt.

quote:
Meg’s face was as red as her blouse. She braced herself at the small table in the kitchen while Carl, still wearing his police uniform after getting off duty, forcibly paced the living room floor.
“I am sick of this!” he said. “I’m sick of this crappy apartment. I’m sick this marriage. I’m sick of you!”
Meg reeled as per kings_falcon's suggestion, it's not the right word. back. “Then why don’t you just leave?” Her voice cracked and tears streamed down her cheeks.

quote:
“You already know I blame myself. How can you be so cruel?”

I didn't buy this dialogue, it just doesn't sound right to me. Is there some other way of getting the facts across?

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited November 01, 2008).]

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

Hi...I can picture the exchange..... small typo (of) this marriage
Would it be weird to say something like Carl , still in uniform...... is implication common enough to assume cop ? maybe, maybe not} police uniform almost sounds a little author intrusive to me.... and maybe show meg looking at the revolver on his hip to bring the info into focus a few lines down .....(perhaps saying how much she has always hated guns)
Could Meg (returned) in dialog ? like the story...hook for me is what happened to son...Assuming Carl worked a 12 hour shift... he's grouchy...because of all the stuff that went down at work..... his blood sugar is low (unless he went to Mr Donut)..... and he's mad because he doesn't smell dinner ready ..... Meg had a flat tire and got called into school because the other son got in a fight( or other stress thing) etc..they are both stressed out before the fight began? Just wondering? Part of the scene setting doesn't seem to fit Meg's dialog as well as it could to me...she braced herself at the table (implies she is dug in and has no further retreat...while flailing desperation makes her appear to still be back pedaling with room to maneuver ...there's a little credibility for me in whether if they brought up who should leave and then jump into making it sound like it's only right that the son killer should...doesn't feel right...sounds like an info dump.... I would read more

[This message has been edited by honu (edited November 01, 2008).]