first 13 lines first draft(finished) word count 4513 YA fantasy chapter 1 Stocks and Bonds We should never have angered Prince Scanlen. Winny Feral strained on his tip toes as he stretched to adjust his position in the stocks. Once again he gouged his neck on the splinters of the rough wood. They should have given me a stool to stand on. He looked at his two friends. They hung limp in their own stocks, oblivious of where their drunkenness had landed them, sporting pointed idiot hats. Leos had vomited earlier and the smell was causing Winny to feel more nauseous. He heard a groan and twisted his head, adding to his collection of splinters, and saw
quote:We should never have angered Prince Scanlen. Winny Feral strained on his tip-toes as he stretched to adjust his position in the stocks. Splinters from the rough wood threatened to poke into his neck. They should have given me a stool to stand on. He looked at his two friends. They hung limp in their own stocks, sporting pointed idiot hats. He felt pity for them and anger at himself. Leos had gotten sick earlier, the smell made Winny feel nauseous. He heard a groan and twisted his head, barely avoiding the splinters, and saw Mathias. Soon the lads would wake and realize what their night at the ale house had cost them. He was keeping his own eyes closed. He could sense Bama Greta nearby and was ashamed for her to see him this way.
please feel free to crit again.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited November 06, 2008).]
Posted by ereitman (Member # 8265) on :
Does it have to be a Prince? Prince is such a stock appellation--the good prince, the bad prince, the hapless prince, the prince that nobody knows is a prince, etc...--that to see its invocation in the first sentence puts me off a bit. The same goes for basically any commonly-used royal title: the duke, the baron, the count, etc....
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
hmmm for this particular story I went prince..I got a princess also and a romance etc...so ....yes... I got through my second draft and am now at 4773 words and wonder if anyone would like to read a few more pages and crit?
[This message has been edited by honu (edited November 02, 2008).]
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
I can't get a good feel for the mood of these lines, and I'm not sure what the hook is or where it is going. I'm not sure whether this is leaning toward comedy, drama, or adventure. Is the hook "We should never have angered Prince Scanlen" or is it the fact that they are in the stockades. Is the story going to be a flashback or proceed from this point.
The writing was good enough, but I'm not quite hooked at this moment.
Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :
'tip toes' - tip-toes. 'he gouged his neck on the splinters' - ouch. 'Gouge' seems a little too harsh a word for what a splinter does. I'd suggest 'caught', etc - something less visceral.
There's something a little... unpleasant about this opening. It's very... I don't know. We've got [implied] blood, and vomit, and people groaning, and nauseating smells, and the spiteful 'idiot hats'. Your main character is also a little devoid of emotion, and a little disturbing for it.
On personal preference alone, I probably wouldn't read on, but that's just because I don't like unpleasant openings / stories - same reason I don't read horror. I would, however, suggest injecting a little more life into your pov character (or, at least, justifying his muted reactions somehow - is he only semi-conscious, or groggy, or feeling sorry for himself, etc?).
Hope this helps, Daniel.
Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :
Hi,
I'm actually a fan of a bit of realism in the stock-standard fantasy settings, so I'm not put off by the unpleasantness of the opening except for the way it sets the mood.
My worries here are about the set-up (are we going to go into an extended flashback or sequence of flashbacks?) and the inconsistent mood. As Philocinemas has identified, it's hard to pick where this story is going to go. If it's gritty "realistic" fantasy, then why have a name like Winny Feral? If you're going for a light-hearted feel, I'd probably back off from the unpleasant bits.
Regards,
Nick
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
first of all thank you ereitman, philocinemas, bluephoenix, and nick t for the crit...I did want to paint a picture of grimness and make sure the reader was aware that things were dark and stark for the MC. I agree I over done it... most of your questions concerning flashbacks etc... get told in a few more lines as the MC tells Bama Greta (his adoptive mother) why he's there...I will make a revision and post
[This message has been edited by honu (edited November 06, 2008).]
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
Hiyas all I got this story at a place where, I can no longer see the obvious faults (to me of course) If anyone would be willing and have time I could use a crit on first few pages ...(or more) if willing.... if no response it gets shipped out in a few days thanks guys Posted by wynterwrite (Member # 8296) on :
I'm new here, but I'd be happy to crit your piece. Posted by Kee Stone (Member # 8282) on :
Seems kind of tragic...just the feel, I mean. I think I'd be willing to read it, if you want. I'm going to give more general comments than specifics, but I'll do as good as I can.
Posted by tngcas (Member # 8018) on :
Whinny Ferel as a name makes me think of a wild horse. whinny-horse, ferel-wild...just a thought.
[This message has been edited by tngcas (edited November 29, 2008).]
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
thanks tngcas...for comment on the name...I was wondering who might catch it...it's intentional...since the protagonist is a half elf/half human (halfer)...who has a very powerful magical gift of being able to shape shift into other creatures.....feral being the "wild" side of animal ....Winny is a dimnuitive I created to lend a flavor of youth...I have four short stories in this series...all needing serious revision but they have been great learning tools and I look forward to making them really work out as i get better as a writer...
