quote:

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Moving Day.

Ben looked around the small unadorned room, his home for the past four months. It had once been a storage pantry for a trendy Manhattan espresso bar. Now the empty shelves and debris covered floor were a reflection of the deserted streets and buildings outside.

He stepped out of the closet and walked out into the dining room. The floor was littered with tables and chairs, most of them broken. A tattered sofa sat against the wall.

Through the broken floor-to-ceiling windows Ben saw the shadows were growing long. The sun was going down, time to get ready.

Ben spent the next few minutes gathering his few belongings and the food stuffs that he had remaining into a worn, leather

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~Anthony
 

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited November 05, 2008).]
 

The next paragraph gets you a good deal of information. You get a glimpse of the antagonist as well as the surroundings. I'll think about a way to bring a little more info forward once I'm done with the first draft.

~Anthony
 

Couple of punctuation nits first:

* 'Now the empty shelves and debris covered floor were a reflection of the deserted streets and buildings outside.' - needs something: 'debris-covered', or 'and the debris that covered' (or 'and the debris covering')
* 'The sun was going down, time to get ready' - comma splice.

I don't think that something needs to 'happen', necessarily, but I do need more of a hook. Currently, I have a person in a room building of rubbish. Broken chairs and tables, and an old sofa. You've set the scene nicely, and implied a little backstory, but if you're going to start like this, I need something extra to get me interested. Maybe choose some slightly more interesting bits of rubbish to mention, etc.

I think you had it right in the first paragraph - pithy description of closed-down espresso bar (and main character's recent past hinted at); broken windows and scattered debris set against the disrepair outside - it all fits delicately together to give us a nice, detailed scene. But then it gets lost, somehow. Suddenly I'm just reading about some broken chairs in a room.

I suppose it could just be a bit too bleak.

Anyway, that's what I thought. I think I'd still read on, but things would have to pick up very soon.

Hope this helps,
Daniel.
 

I like where this one is going. I suspect it will be a quick write.

~Anthony
 

Forgot to say, re. broken chairs etc, that I would keep the tattered sofa sat against the wall - I think it's an effective image, and fits in nicely with the rest of it. But yes, the broken tables and chairs could, if not be safely cut, at least be described in an interesting way. I guess the important question is why have you highlighted those, specifically, instead of some of the other bits and bobs in the room?

I'd like to see how this ends up, if you're sending it out when it's done and want my input - stuff like this (where the writer just has a good feeling about it) is always, in my experience, worth a look.

[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited November 02, 2008).]
 

I actually think the first two paragraphs work nicely as scene setting. I'd probably tidy the paragraph after that though...is it essentially to know that the sun is setting, etc.? That minor nit is probably my conditioning from Hatrack to expect a blatant hook in the first thirteen though, your prose has been very good from the last few samples I've seen.

Regards,

Nick
 

WRT writing style, I found the repetition of "out" and "few" in these sentences to be jaring.

"He stepped OUT of the closet and walked OUT into...."

"Ben spent the next FEW minutes gathering his FEW belongings...."
 

Thanks for reading.

~Anthony