I'm trying to remember what I was thinking before ripping around that corner, hellbent on my mission, trying to focus on the task ahead and trying even harder to forget how beautiful her brilliant blue eyes looked. The fact is that there was probably nothing on my mind, and nothing even on my subconscious other than her. That's where it all began, and why it happened the way it did. I was staring down the barrel of a Russian-made .30 caliber carbine, the breath caught in my lungs like a mouse in a trap. I could hear her departing behind me, just as planned, to the escape boat. There she would wait for my arrival with the package. The Soviet in front of me had something else in mind. I glanced from the barrel to his eyes, cold and calm. Grey eyes.
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
Engaging start but missing a couple of things for me.
First, "her" name? MC presumably knows it and surely would think of her as "Sue", "Mary" or whomever.
Second, there seems to be a gap between ripping around the corner and staring at the Soviet and his gun--disorienting.
Aside from that, nice--I'd read on.
Hope this helps, Pat
Posted by jaycloomis (Member # 7193) on :
I'm trying to remember what I was thinking before ripping around that corner, hellbent on my mission, trying to focus on the task ahead and trying even harder to forget how beautiful her brilliant blue eyes looked. The fact is that there was probably nothing on my mind, nothing other than her. Angelina. That's where it all began, and why it happened the way it did. I cut the corner only to find myself staring down the barrel of a Russian-made .30 caliber carbine, the breath caught in my lungs like a mouse in a trap. I could hear her departing behind me, just as planned, to the escape boat. There she would wait for my arrival with the package. The Soviet in front of me had something else in mind. I glanced from the barrel to his eyes, cold and calm. Grey eyes.
how about that?
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
Better. But why are you trying to remember something while staring at a nasty gun? (Sorry, didn't notice that the first time.)
(And, what's going on between carbine and the?)
Hope this helps, Pat
Posted by jaycloomis (Member # 7193) on :
hmm.. well i guess i was trying to nail the first person feeling, as if the mc is recalling everything that happened at a later time. so he's trying to remember what he was thinking then, if that makes sense. if it adds confusion i'll revise though.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
That first sentence is too long and contains to many elements for someone who may be reading it to try and get a firm grip of exactly what you are saying or in fact meaning to say as by the time you get to the end of it you have forgotten the begining.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I'm trying to remember what I was thinking before ripping around that corner, hellbent on my mission, trying to focus on the task ahead the two ideas, being hellbent on his mission and trying to focus on the task ahead, are redundant. Better to tell us what the mission is, or what his task was. "I had to get to the escape boat." something like thatand trying even harder to forget how beautiful her brilliant blue eyes looked. The fact is that there was probably nothing on my mind, nothing other than her Hm... this in contrast to being hell bent on his mission. That implies a certain single minded-ness. Which is it? Is he hellbent on his mission or can focus only on her?. Angelina. That's where it all began, and why it happened the way it did My flashback alert signal is flashing. I cut the corner only to find myself staring down the barrel of a Russian-made .30 caliber carbine, the breath caught in my lungs like a mouse in a trap. I could hear her departing behind me, just as planned, to the escape boat. There she would wait for my arrival with the package. The Soviet in front of me had something else in mind. I glanced from the barrel to his eyes, cold and calm. Grey eyes Curious... I'm sensing an eye theme. I'm wary of eyes--they are the easiest detail to go for (aside from hair) and hence a bit cliched..
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
It sounds a little rushed to me, so many things happening that I can't connect with any of them. My advice would be to either focus on the action and work the girl in later, or focus on the girl and have the MC a bit more stationary, maybe waiting for somebody and trying to keep his mind on the job, but thoughts of her keep sneaking in.
I'm trying to remember what I was thinking before ripping around that corner, hellbent on my mission, trying to focus on the task ahead and trying even harder to forget how beautiful her brilliant blue eyes looked. I agree with Skadder in that this sentence is too long, and with Annepin about that "hellbent". Also, "ripping" doesn't mean much to me--is he running? On a bike? In a speedboat? In a car? I find it hard to picture the scene when the writing is vague.
I could hear her departing behind me, just as planned, to the escape boat "Departing" was a little weak. Is she running for her life? Is there hesitancy in her steps, knowing he has been caught?
I have little idea of where this is. Are they on an island? A harbour in a city? Also, at least a hint of what is happening, what's at stake can help add some urgency to the opening. At the moment I don't know what he's running for, what his mission is, what's in the package and so I don't find myself particularly becoming involved in the story.