Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Hearts Of Kaldun

This is topic Hearts Of Kaldun in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

This one is fantasy and a shade over 6.6k. Any comments on the 13 or offers to read the whole thing are much appreciated. Thanks

Mathis shrugged a shoulder as a trickle of sweat ran down his neck. There was nowhere to escape the cloying heat; even in the shifting shadows of the castle it was a permanent irritation. He tugged on the collar of his hauberk in a vain attempt to let some air to his chest.

Already seven men had been killed in the tangled corridors of the twisted castle, a secret door whispering open behind them, their throats cut before they had time to turn. Since the killings it had been an order of the Serazin that armour was to be worn at all times until their new home was secure.

New home! Mathis could live here for a hundred years and still it wouldn’t be home. Home was a palace of red stone in a city of paved walkways and open plazas, the comforting red

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

I love it. I'm hooked. I only had one minor thing:

"in the tangled corridors of the twisted castle" Is it called The Twisted Castle? If not, using tangled and twisted felt redundant to me.

I'll do the whole thing. Send it on!

Posted by sjsampson (Member # 8075) on :

quote:
Already seven men had been killed in the tangled corridors of the twisted castle, a secret door whispering open behind them, their throats cut before they had time to turn. Since the killings it had been an order of the Serazin that armour was to be worn at all times until their new home was secure.

I recommend swapping those two sentences and rewording them. I had the impression the killings had just occurred until I read the second one.

If you can wait a week for a response, send it my way.

Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :

I can feel this guy's discomfort. Very nice. I'll look at the rest, if you don't mind waiting for the crit till after the Thanksgiving holiday is over.

Cheers,

CLL

Posted by seacat (Member # 7957) on :

I am definitely hooked. Besides, I owe you big-time for Posers. Send it my way if you are still working on it, and I will read the whole thing. Great beginning.

Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

I'll definitely read.... but warning that I wouldn't be able to get to it for a week or more. Final exams, etc.