He could sense no movement from the victim clutched in his talons--his captive had ceased her struggling. She had fainted from terror, he knew. Only Horribin, the sorcerer who had transformed him into this beast from Hell, could evoke such terror.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 29, 2008).]
I actually liked the writing here. Just a couple of points:
The sound of his wings beating through the darkness seemed less deafening in the hours since his metamorphosis This makes it sound like he had beating wings before his metamorphosis, which he might well have done though this isn't made clear in the rest of the 13.
The terrorized amazement Coud just be me, but this doesn't work for me. I don't associate amazement with terror.
She had fainted from terror, he knew. Only Horribin, the sorcerer who had transformed him into this beast from Hell, could evoke such terror. She has fainted from terror, but only Horribin can evoke such terror...so obviously Horribin must have made her faint, but then he must have been terrorizing her while she was in the claws?
Like I say, I thought the writing was fine and I'd probably give this another page or two to see where it was going.
Best of luck with it
Hope that makes some sense!
Otherwise I think it says a lot for just 13 lines.
quote:
The sound of his wings beating through the darkness seemed less deafening in the hours since his metamorphosis.
It seems "Seemed" should be replaced with "became" to convey the idea you are trying to establish
quote:
She had fainted from terror, he knew. Only Horribin, the sorcerer who had transformed him into this beast from Hell, could evoke such terror.
This line didn't feel right to me. It seems a little forced, a little "as you know" and a tad awkward.
For some reason my thoughts were" Hellish beast"
It seems to me that she could faint from dragon fear and to me, the cause and effect didn't match up for me.
I would slow this a bit and concentrate on simpifying this ito one idea. Establishing who the woman is and her condition is the first objective. I think the rest can come later.
Otherwise this was a pretty solid lead-in. I would give it a chance it it were polished up a bit.
The sound of his wings beating through the darkness became less deafening in the hours since his metamorphosis. He had even lost his fear of heights. The horror he'd first felt, upon seeing the monstrous shadow of his reptilian form gliding over trees and fields, had faded. He came to ignore the white dots of sheep and brown specks of cattle that would stampede when he flew too low. None of these things seemed strange anymore--not even his human cargo.
He could sense no movement from the victim clutched in his talons--his captive had ceased her struggling. She had fainted from terror, he knew. He pondered whether her terror sprung more from knowing the architect of her abduction, Horribin, the sorcerer who had transformed him into this hellish beast.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 01, 2008).]
Keep a reference to a victim in his claws, but then put a line in that lets us know how the dragon feels about taking the victim to his master.
I personally am more interested in the dragon, rather than the victim at this point. Could just be me though..
When I see the use of the word "whether" in a sentence, I tend to look for the "or" to follow. For example: "I didn't know whether to go or not." When I read the above sentence, I kept waiting for the "or" that never came. Maybe this is just me, but that's the way I read it.
I do like your second version better than the first. The first version seemed like you were trying to jam way too much into your sentences. The second version was much smoother and read with less bumps.
He could sense no movement from the victim clutched in his talons--his captive had ceased her struggling. She had fainted from terror, he knew.How does he know this? Is he a mind reader? If he has been flying with her for so long she could just be exhausted and sleeping He pondered whether her terror sprung more from knowing the architect of her abduction, Horribin, the sorcerer who had transformed him into this hellish beast.OR?? Whether her terror sprung from knowing the architect or ?????
The green forest ended abruptly and the trees beneath him became twisted and leafless, their branches like the arms of the tortured reaching for a saviour. Interesting visual
If the MC is so horrified by what Horribin did to him, why is the MC helping him? This might be explained later, just a question that came to me while I read.
Whew, glad to be out of bold typing. I am intrigued, I would read on to see where this is going.
[This message has been edited by jayazman (edited December 01, 2008).]