quote:
Dr. Jean Kenzy twirled her pen and studied the man who sat on the couch: well built, confident, polite, and had eyes that gave her butterflies when they locked onto her own. On the leather chair sat a large, rotund woman holding her hands in her lap. Her bottom lip stuck out in a pout on her pudgy face. Where the man intrigued her, the woman gave Jean the willies.
“I am a child psychologist, Mr. Duchey. I don’t usually see couples.”
“Please call me Joe,” he said to Jean. “And thank you for making this exception. Doris needs your help. She has lost faith in herself, our marriage, and family. She lost part of the woman she once was. I want that part to come back, she is incomplete without her other half.”
Second version
quote:
Doctor Jean Kenzy pressed on the seams of her red, knee length dress. Without thinking, she undid the top button, unveiling an unprofessional amount of cleavage.
Why did I just do that? Her hand drifted back up to refasten the button, but hesitated. It’s not that bad. A small part of her asked why she needed to impress this shumuck. Another part wanted this man to know how much of a success she had become.
Jean rarely did marriage counseling sessions but Joe Dutchey wouldn’t take no for an answer. He sounded so desperate and acted as if she were the only one that could help. Something about his voice seemed so familiar, so alluring, and yet so needy.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited December 05, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited December 05, 2008).]
It seems like you were going somewhere with the idea of her losing part of herself but I am more confused than intrigued.
Hope that helps!
If Doris' pout is hinting at something child-like, perhaps I just need to be hit between the eyes with it; pulling out a pacifier or some other symbol of the uniqueness of her problem might keep me going.
without her other half
I am more intrigued by the implications of this than the rest of the hook, but perhaps I'm reading into it something that isn't there simply because I was forced to stop there and it subsequently caught my attention. Is it a sly self-reference to Joe?
<disclaimer: my first critique should be accompanied by a BIG grain of salt>
A couple nits:
Dr. Jean Kenzy twirled her pen and studied the man who sat on the couch: well built, confident, polite, and had eyes that gave her butterflies when they locked onto her own.I would have liked a paragraph break here
On the leather chair sat a large, rotund I think "large" and "rotund" are close enough to be redundant. Maybe just pick one.
Her bottom lip stuck out in a pout on her pudgy face.Had to read this one twice. I think its the "stuck out in a pout" rhyming thing. Maybe just "Her bottom lip jutted from a pudgy face."--thats terrible, but you get the idea.
Where the man intrigued her, the woman gave Jean the willies.why? I think you could say what trait was disturbing without going into too much detail
I want that part to come back, she is incomplete without her other half.” I think you could just say "it" instead of "her other half" and it would flow more like dialogue.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited December 02, 2008).]
quote:
Dr. Jean Kenzy twirled her pen and studied the man who sat on the couch: well built, confident, polite, and had eyes that gave her butterflies [when they locked onto her own<--Don't need this.]. On the leather chair sat a large, rotund woman[A different woman? If so what leather chair?] [holding<--[Maybe: with] her hands in her lap. Her bottom lip stuck out in a pout on her pudgy face[Maybe: There was a pout on her pudgy face]. Where the man intrigued her, the woman[So it is another woman.] gave Jean the willies.
“I am a [child<--[Maybe emphasize this?] psychologist, Mr. Duchey. I don’t usually see couples.”
“Please call me Joe,” he said [to Jean<--We would've assumed this.]. “And thank you for making this exception. Doris needs your help. She has lost faith in herself, our marriage[,<--[Nix.] and family. [She lost part of the woman she once was.<--This is getting a bit redundant.[/b]] I want that part [to come<--IMHO - cut.[/b]] back[, she is incomplete without her other half<--[IMHO - cut, unless there is a "literal missing half".].”
I don't see a speculative element, unless the end part I mentioned has something to do with it. However, trimming this will get you closer to it, maybe--eh?
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 02, 2008).]
This is an old WotF submission that needs 2500 words trimmed to get it under a word ceiling for a separate contest. If anyone is interested...
http://onthepremises.com/index.html
It's a publication that is like a mini-WotF. Only it's open to all writers, you must have a story that fits their premise, and they give money to their Honorable Mentions.
If anyone else is interested, perhaps we could start another group.
Above is a new version
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited December 05, 2008).]
The "It’s not that bad" has me a bit stumped though. Showing cleavage isn't that bad as in "immoral" or in that her cleavage looks pretty good or what? The fact that she hesitated, IMO, leads well enough into the "A small part of her..." sentence, so maybe cut her second inner thought?
And cleavage, tis' never a bad thing.
My only true nit is confusion here over the rules. I for some reason feel "Without thinking" is a POV violation if you are going for her POV, but I like it, and I think it reads better with it.
In the first version I was curious why the woman gave her the willies, since nothing in the description of her (large, rotund, pouting, pudgy?) implied threat or unease. That was one of the more interesting bits. The overbearing guy feels kind of cliche.