Only 2 more miles to go, she thought. 2 more miles. Her chest heaved and tightened as the air was being wrung from her lungs like the water from an old dishrag. Her face was hot and swollen as she wiped away the sweat that had seeped down into her eyes. Finally, she could take no more and slowed her run to a walk.
Although she couldn't make the last miles, she had gone farther than she ever had before. Feeling self-satisfied, she breathed in the scenery as she followed the paved trail that wound through Memorial Park. Slowly, her face began to cool, her lungs relaxed, and she was able to take deep breaths.
It was a perfect day, that day; one of those days that you just thank the heavens above for. Sunny and 72 degrees. Those kind
[edit] I should mention that this story is 2344 words. Thanks! [/edit]
[This message has been edited by ElizabethN (edited December 03, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 03, 2008).]
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
Um, seems like a lot of words about breathing and running, with no hook yet. I need some hint at a problem, a disturbance, something...
Posted by Fox (Member # 3871) on :
If you're going to try to convey a feeling of... urgency, or immediacy to this first scene, one of the first things you'll need to do is cut out the passive voice.
Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :
In my opinion,this opening could be much tighter. I also want to know why she's running. Is the reason intriguing enough to keep me reading?
I assume, since you made sure to post the story's length that you're looking for readers to critique the whole thing? If so, I'll take a look at it.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
While there are some "static" verbs in the above 13 lines, the only incident of "passive voice" is in "the air was being wrung from her lungs like the water from an old dishrag."
Please go to this topic for a list of discussions of what passive voice really is.
Posted by ElizabethN (Member # 8349) on :
Thanks CL Lynn; I sent it to you in an email. Hope that's ok!
Thanks to everyone else for the feedback... my short stories probably do start out a bit slow. I'll keep this in mind, as well as the passive voice. I try not to do that, but I'm sure it sneaks in from time to time.
Cheers! Elizabeth
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
In my opinion, the events in this intro are mundane. I didn't find a hint of conflict or a speculative event.
The first thirteen lines of a story are considered prime real estate, and much of this seemed a might repetitive.
The prose was by no means flat; in fact, it seemed somewhat over done, considering that the only thing happening is someone taking a jog.
Posted by Pyraxis (Member # 7990) on :
I was excited, thinking she was running for fear of her life (I agree with Bent Tree that the prose lends itself to thinking something big is happening) and then it was a major letdown to find out she was only on a jog in the park. I probably wouldn't read on at that point.