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Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
 
Locked Step

It sang insolence. Across the divide, between the two great armies poised on separate mountains, it sang, taunting, daring each soldier to begin, to annihilation between. Another joined the song, first faint, then fading in until it matched the strength of the first. Then another joined, and another, until the valley was awash with song.

"Tomorrow’s ghosts," said Jervis. "Crying in sorrow for today."

Tonin gripped his shield closer, his heart racing at Jervis's words. The fire's heat did nothing to prevent the cold now scampering about his back.

"Ignore them," said Culvern. "There's nothing you can do about them."
_________________________________

Comments:

This story is about 1/4 written, and about 90% planned. But I thought that I would put it up here to see whether it is worth continuing. Also, the title is flexible - initially it was the same line as Jervis's opening statement, but I wondered if that would reduce any hook.

Thanks KPKilburn, that was helpful. One question, could you tell me why you would start with Tonin? For context sake, Tonin is the central character, but the voices (and what they are) is the central concept/theme of the story.

[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited December 11, 2008).]
 


Posted by KPKilburn (Member # 6876) on :
 
I was a little confused at first - wasn't quite getting the picture.

I would have prefered the first lines to be:

Tonin gripped his shield closer, his heart racing. The fire's heat did nothing to prevent the cold now scampering about his back.

Then move into the singing.

"Scampering" didn't paint a good picture for me - cold maybe "creeps" (of course pick something not cliche')

Some additional comments below...

Locked Step
It sang insolence.

"It" is a little jarring for me in this instance. Maybe specifically mention "a lone voice" or something to indicate that you don't see it?

Across the divide, between the two great armies poised on separate mountains, it sang, taunting, daring each soldier to begin, to annihilation between. Another joined the song, first faint, then fading in until it matched the strength of the first. Then another joined, and another, until the valley was awash with song.

"Tomorrow’s ghosts," said Jervis. "Crying in sorrow for today."

I didn't quite get his meaning. If they are crying in sorrow, then why are they taunting the armies to begin battle? Insolence and sorrow aren't complementary.

Tonin gripped his shield closer, his heart racing at Jervis's words. The fire's heat did nothing to prevent the cold now scampering about his back.

"Ignore them," said Culvern. "There's nothing you can do about them."

It's interesting from the aspect of the voices taunting the Soldiers to fight. I'm not much of a fantasy (if that's what this is) reader, so I haven't seen this premise before. I'd read a little bit more to see what the singing is.

[This message has been edited by KPKilburn (edited December 11, 2008).]
 


Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
 
Hello Brendan, long time....

I like this quite a bit. A few minor comments: "...to begin, to annihilation between." I think the second 'to' trips the reader a bit since the reader is expecting a noun phrase or another infinitive.

The opening 'it' doesn't bother me (though it is a very common device these days, I think). But since you clarify what 'it' is almost immediately, consider using an opening word or phrase this is more substantive, like 'dark spirit'.

Again, these are minor. I liked the tone of this opening.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited December 12, 2008).]
 


Posted by KPKilburn (Member # 6876) on :
 
Sorry, I didn't see this until just now...

quote:
Thanks KPKilburn, that was helpful. One question, could you tell me why you would start with Tonin? For context sake, Tonin is the central character, but the voices (and what they are) is the central concept/theme of the story.

Just my personal preference to see a story begin with a character. I see your point on the voice being the central concept/theme, so there's probably nothing wrong with starting with them either.
 


Posted by Yufae (Member # 8346) on :
 
If your characters don't know what the voices are, that might be something to mention early on. Or if they know anything about them (what they represent, what usually happens when the voices stop), that would be good to know, too. But I think the mystery of the voices and the characters' fear make for a good hook.
 


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