"Device Upgrade Department. This is Suren. How may I help you?" "There's dog slobber on my Model A6ZT full-wall display screen." "Yes, Sir. I need a little information before we proceed." "Don't you have caller ID? My name should already be on your screen. Probably my location, my account number, and all the business I've ever done with you, too." "Yes, Sir. It is. But for privacy reasons, I cannot call you by the screen name. You must give me a name to use." "Really? Then call me Lucy. You know, like in 'I Love...'" "Lucy? Yes Sir. If you say so." "Don't I sound like a Lucy to you, Suren? You don't sound like a Suren to me." "I am sorry that you feel that way, Lucy. May I ask why?"
Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :
Hi RDF, Opening with just dialogue is extremely hard. It doesnt give me a sense of the MC. Even breaking it up with just a couple beats could help. The character pacing aross the floor, showing some emotion, frustration, impatience. Right now all I know is something/someone, human/druid is talking to someting/someone over the phone, or computer. I would like to know a little more in the first 13 so I have a feel for why or whom I should care about.
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
I think the dialogue is pretty good but I still found it difficult to get through the 13. I think with an opening, you need something for the reader to connect to, to involve them in the story. Battering them with a barrage of dialogue without even any tags is more likely to leave them lost and confused.
Still, like I say the dialogue itself is fine and this would be good in the middle of a scene--but I'd recommend against using it for an opening.
Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :
...but it is funny.
You could probably put a hint of one of the speakers' feelings really behind this dialogue, to orient us to POV, even after the first few lines, and that would be better.
We're going to need a better hint as to where this story's going besides Tech Support, pretty soon, though.
Posted by Gan (Member # 8405) on :
Hey there. I'm going to have to agree with the others here. The dialogue is well written, but I just can't get into it. I don't know enough about the characters or story yet. The dialogue brings about conflict, but I just can't bring myself to want to read more because the dialogue starting feels so foreign and awkward for me.