Let's see what you got here.
quote:
What they say about shock is true, my mom told me.
I don't know why but this first sentence bothers me. It's the my mom told me part. The first half of the sentence is very hooky but that part seems to cheapen it for me. I wonder if you ended it then qualified that statement as a recollection of what her mother described in her encounter. Much like how you went on to desribe it later in your opening.
quote:
During those first few seconds, when she was dazed, she could not think because there was no memory to think with.
Not bad, could use a little rearranging though.
quote:
And also the brain has a great defence for protecting the body; it releases endorphins, a substance similar to Morphine.
Half true. the body releashes Epinephine, an Adenaline type of hormone, not endorphins. They would have the effect that you described though.
quote:
She felt no pain, none at all. Not even when he pulled her by the hair and dragged her into the kitchen.
Keep this.
quote:
His back was to her while she stood by the opened knife drawer.
Confusing. How could she be standing when she was just dragged into the kitchen?
quote:
She glanced down looking for the big Skinny knife, but it was not there. She looked at his hands, and there it was, he was holding it.
This seems inaccurate. She has her faculties intact, doesn't sound like a person in shock. More likely she would be reaching for anything to protect herself, not consicious of what or why.
quote:
Without any reason, he rushed toward her.
Sounds like he had a reason to me, murder.
quote:
She panicked. She fumbled for anything in the drawer, closed her eyes, and shoved it into his abdomen; it was a ten inch, curved, turkey fork.
This sounds accurate, although I prefer it to be reworded.
You have an intriguing opening but I think if you recast what you wrote you'll make a real grab you by the seat start. Try that first sentence, describe hoe shock works, then show how it affected your Mc's mother. Something like...
quote:
What they say about shock is true. The brain will react to protect the body when it is under stress. People will live through car wrecks, pulling their broken bodies to safety without any recollection of what happened. My mother has first hand experience of what shock is like.
She felt no pain, none at all, not even when he pulled her by her hair and dragged her into the kitchen. His back was turned to her while she fumbled through the open knife drawer. When he charged holding the skinny knife in his hands. She pulled out the first thing she touched and shoved into his abdomen; a ten inch curved turkey fork.
Not sure if its better, but perhaps you can work with it.
quote:
I don't know why but this first sentence bothers me. It's the my mom told me part.
I think it's because "my mom told me" means she survives, and takes any "will she, won't she?" suspense out of the scene.
Hope this helps,
Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited January 04, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited January 04, 2009).]