She lay on the ground by the stream. Half her red hair waved like weeds in the water, the other half was caked with dirt and blood. When he saw her lying there, his first instinct was to run away and forget that he had ever been there. He was supposed to be driving the cattle home, and if he didn't hurry his father would bloody his back. Yet he stayed, and wondered. Finally gathering his courage he went to her. He was weak from hunger and beatings, but he still managed to get her out of the water and onto dry ground. Carefully he took off his worn shirt and wet it in the cool water. When the dirt came off he was relived to find only a little of the blood was hers. She moaned and began to move, revived by the care. She opened her eyes. He was startled by how angry and terrified
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 03, 2009).]
As a reader I would like to know why she is in the condition she is in. Perhaps the boy helps her and she tells her story. I don't suppose he can take her home because it sounds like he is living with an ogre. So maybe he builds a fire where he is to warm her(is it cold there) risking a very bloody back. Her story: Is she a wanted criminal? a princess on the run? A body guard(sounds like she may have combat training)?
Does the boy ever return to be punished or does he instead follow this lady on her journey, perhaps as a porter for her things.
Does he indeed take her home and when MC is going to be punished she stands up for him, maybe leading to him joining her . In any event the story seems to lie in her, the sympathetic character (and the best to tell it from) does indeed seem to be him.
Hope I helped, send more if you want me to look at more and get a better picture.
[This message has been edited by Patrick James (edited January 03, 2009).]
The 13-line rule doesn't apply to synopses, so you can post as much description of the story as you like or need.
Why is this character hiding? Who or what is she hiding from? How did she wind up there? Why was her hair bloody? Is it her blood, or someone else's? If its hers, how did that happen, and why? If not, same questions.
How old is she? How old is he? Young enough to live under his father's roof, clearly. How's that relationship?
He's downtrodden, eh? How downtrodden, and why? Bad laws, taxes, tithes? Some other reason? Speaking of tithes, does his family go to church? Does this world have a church? Is it like the ones we know?
Where/when is this world? If she's a queen, what's the rest of the government like, and what are they doing with the queen gone? Did the rest of the government want it that way? Did the people, or most of them?
As you answer these questions, you'll find the story unfolding. You might find yourself asking even more questions, and that's good, too. Answer them, while you're at it.
What can the character try, and why would the character try that?
What can go wrong when the character tries it and what can the character do after it goes wrong?
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 06, 2009).]
quote:
She lay on the ground by the stream. Half her red hair waved like weeds in the water, the other half was caked with dirt and blood.
As for what should happen next: you've got some idea where it's all supposed to end up, right? And you've got a well-developed backstory; the action is well under way. The question is not, what happens next? But, what is the trajectory of the action?
Here's a suggestion that has helped me: write up a "cast of characters," purely for your own use. Describe each of them in a paragraph, their strengths and weaknesses and their key contributions to the plot. Not just the two you have told us about, but the boy's father, the girl's assailant, and anyone else who has brought matters to the present pass. Now ask yourself: with these characters, do you have all the equipment you need to get you where you want to go? If so, then let them do what comes "naturally" to them. If not, then design another character (or more than one) who is equipped to resolve the conflict, and work out how you are going to introduce him/her into the action.
Sometimes we get too hung up on plot (I know I do) when the real key to what is going on is in the characters themselves. Don't try to force the pace; put them in the situation, let them do what they must do, given who they are, and see if that solves your problem.
That's my suggestion, FWIW.
Ard-choille,
Rob Roy.
I'm no expert on "clunky" but I have a few preferences you might consider (all IMHO):
"She lay on the ground by the stream."
"She lay next to the stream" would have been enough for me.
"Half her red hair waved like weeds in the water, the other half was caked with dirt and blood."
I would forget the "half" business, wave her hair in the stream and cake her face with dirt and blood instead.
"When he saw her lying there, his first instinct was to run away and forget that he had ever been there."
Maybe he could stumble onto her, and suppress his fear. I don't understand the motivation to forget he had ever been there. Perhaps it is connected with the next lines.
"He was supposed to be driving the cattle home, and if he didn't hurry his father would bloody his back. Yet he stayed, and wondered. Finally gathering his courage he went to her."
I would shorten all this to something along the line that if he did not hurry with the cattle, his father would bloody his back, perhaps with a twinge for the old injuries and the resolve that he was strong enough to bear a few more bruises.
"He was weak from hunger and beatings,"
Tell me instead that he hasn't eaten since yesterday, yet manages to tug and pull her from the mud to dry grass or such. I did not have the impression that she was actually in the water: See your first line.
"Carefully he took off his worn shirt and wet it in the cool water. When the dirt came off he was relived to find only a little of the blood was hers."
Was there a wound or scratches? How does he know that little of the blood is hers?
"She moaned and began to move, revived by the care. She opened her eyes."
I really don't like the "began to move" when "moved" would do the job. I would cut the "revived by care" and I like "Her eyes opened" better, simply my preference for the boy's POV.
"He was startled by how angry and terrified..."
I don't have the rest so this sentence, so my comment may be inappropriate but I prefer action: Have her flail at him or yell or do something to show her angry terror, and document his physical reaction. I would prefer to see him startled, and I must wonder how the POV learns that she is angry and terrified.
The situation sounds intriguing. I don't know if you had some genre considerations (SF or F) etc. because that might suggest the type of person, background, or powers connected with the girl. If she's older, she might be the boy's mother or sister returning home after a long absence. If she's his age, she may be exiled for her "power" or injured by an escape.
I probably haven't been a big help, but I hope you find something useful in this rambling.
cordially
[This message has been edited by RDF (edited January 27, 2009).]