Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Elyrie Second Try

This is topic Elyrie Second Try in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by seacat (Member # 7957) on :

Here is another try at the first 13 lines. I appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you.

Seren’s shadow stretched out across the sand towards the open sea, as she trudged along the hard packed shore. She squinted at the twin suns hanging just above the horizon, and then turned to look ahead at the cliff rising steeply out of the orange sand. Several rivulets of water streamed down its sides. She licked her dry lips, turned her attention back to the sea, which was flat, tranquil, only small wavelets lapping on the shore. She resisted the urge to wade into the water and soothe her aching feet. She knew that the sea was a dangerous place. In the wilderness, no place was safe. Seren snorted to herself. Not that she could ever forget that fact since Cian was forever reminding her. No wonder he always carried his stone-thrower in his hand.

Posted by Gan (Member # 8405) on :

I like the description, though I also fear it might be hindering the story from progressing.

quote:
Seren’s shadow stretched out across the sand towards the open sea, as she trudged along the hard packed shore. She squinted at the twin suns hanging just above the horizon, and then turned to look ahead at the cliff rising steeply out of the orange sand.

The first sentence works, I like it, it sets a picture. The second sentence is good too, but I start to wonder if there is going to be any conflict anytime soon. I feel the bold could be changed. Rather than using Steeply, perhaps you could find a verb that fit the description better.

quote:
Several rivulets of water streamed down its sides. She licked her dry lips, turned her attention back to the sea, which was flat, tranquil, only small wavelets lapping on the shore.

At this point I'm really starting to get worried. The description as I've said, is great, and paints a good picture. The problem is that I've yet to be given a hook, or conflict. Wanting to find the conflict, my eyes start to wander in search for it, and leave the descriptions behind unseen.

quote:
She resisted the urge to wade into the water and soothe her aching feet. She knew that the sea was a dangerous place. In the wilderness, no place was safe.

There is hint of conflict here, but it still doesn't hook me in.

quote:
Seren snorted to herself.

Why did Seren snort? It seems wholly out of place to me. I'm given this great description, and then a character snorts for reasons I don't know.

quote:
Not that she could ever forget that fact since Cian was forever reminding her. No wonder he always carried his stone-thrower in his hand.

This last part confuses me. The bold words caused me to reread the sentence. Upon first reading it, I didnt know what Cian was reminding her of. Because I was confused about what he was reminding her, the last sentence made little sense to me.

I encourage you to keep working at it. Your descriptions are awesome, and really paint a picture.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

I think Gan nailed it pretty well/// you really are very good at scene setting in my opinion also///I live near the ocean and could see the scene vividly with your description///the hook isn't quite there though///if this were a novel, I think perhaps you could ease into it ok from here/// but as a short story, you might need to have a faster and more obvious hook/// ie perhaps the beasties hump as it breaches just off shore arrrrr I would read on

[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 09, 2009).]

Posted by seacat (Member # 7957) on :

Thanks for the input. I will keep working on it.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

One thing that jumped out at me was the number of sentences starting with "She (insert verb)" for this short passage.

For the opening line you could clean it up a bit with something like "As Seren trudged along the hard packed sand her shadow stretched out toward the open sea." -- this eliminates the sand/shore repetition.

There are a few other places where words could be removed to make it read a little smoother. For instance you could cut out "She knew" that the sea was a dangerous place. Just state it, or modify it a little and italicize to make it a thought.
Similarly cutting "ever" from the second last sentence could improve it.

Aside from some of the wording, I agree that it needs some conflict or tension. Maybe you can play up the way Seren is afraid of the ocean or something.

Posted by seacat (Member # 7957) on :

Thanks. Those are good points.

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

I have a pet peeve, with using clauses joined by "as" so I try not to use them in the first sentence for sure. I might suggest. Seren trudged along the hard packed shore her shadow stretching across the sand towards the open sea.

rivulets an wavelets both seemed like odd words, probably the lets, so two in such a close proximity caught me.

As far as the sentences with she, yes there were a lot and could easily be broken up. I might suggest starting with the , she licked, try, "Licking her dry lips, she turned her attention back to the tranquil sea, resisting the urge to wade in the calm waters and soothe her aching feet. The sea was a dangerous place. In the wilderness, no place was safe. She snorted. Not that ..." elimiating flat, makes tranquil stand out more. I apologise about suggest so much, I think the basis is there, just that you might need to vary your sentence structure, and I thought a different pov might give you some ideas.

Good luck.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I think Gan pretty much nailed my reaction. The description goes just a little too long. However, I do think this is a big improvement.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited January 10, 2009).]

Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

I think some of the reflection here is a bit awkward, still. In general, it's a much better opening, but there's still nothing quite happening. Is she going to rebel, and touch the water? Is she doing something where she's afraid? I don't get anything except that she's kind of reflecting on stuff we usually don't verbalize in our heads.

I may be picky, though.

What's the first thing to happen, that causes everything else to happen? If it's not in the next page, preferably next paragraph, you may need to skip forward again.