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General Nurgplakas hammered his leathery hoof-fist on an aide's head to drive home his point, while he slobbered out his words from a rhinocerous-like horned muzzle.
“We can't be capturingss thesess earthlingss if they knowss nothingss, idiotss! Take this one outsidess and disintegratess it!”
This one was me. I knew more than I let on, but the rhinos didn't know that. They also didn't know I had on a battle cloak and was a fast runner.
As soon as we left the general's tent and the stench of zoo, I toggled the stud on my belt, making me invisible, and pushed my tongue hard against my right upper wisdom tooth. An electric jolt hit me and I knew the Fastex had kicked in. Now I'd be able to run faster than humanly possible but I'd feel like rhino dung

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quote:

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General Nurg hammered his leathery hoof-fist on an aide's head to drive home his point. The egrets on his shoulder squawked in alarm then resettled. He slobbered out his words from his horned muzzle.
“We can't be capturingss thesess earthlingss if they knowss nothingss, idiotss! Take this oness outsidess and disintegratess it!”
This one was me. I knew more than I let on, but the rhinos didn't know that. They didn't know I had on a battle cloak and was a fast runner either.
As soon as we left the general's tent and the stench of zoo, I toggled the stud on my belt, making me invisible, and pushed my tongue hard against my right upper wisdom tooth. An electric jolt hit me and I knew the Fastex had kicked in. Now I'd run much faster for ten minutes but I'd feel like rhino dung for days afterward.

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quote:

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General Nurg hammered his leathery hoof-fist on an aide's head to drive home his point. The egrets on his shoulder squawked in alarm then resettled. He slobbered out his words from his rhinocerus-like muzzle.
“We can't be capturingss thesess earthlingss if they knowss nothingss, idiotss! Take this oness outsidess and disintegratess it!”
This one was me. I knew more than I let on. The rhinos didn't know I had on a battle cloak and was a fast runner.
As soon as we left the general's tent and the stench of zoo, I toggled the stud on my belt, making me invisible, and pushed my tongue hard against my right upper wisdom tooth. An electric jolt hit me and I knew the Fastex had kicked in. Now I'd run much faster for ten minutes but I'd feel like rhino
dung for days afterward.

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[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 13, 2009).]
 

But the rest of it hooked me. I enjoyed the way the General speakss.

I like "but I'd feel like rhino dung" but I'd make it a separate sentence.

Hope this helps,
Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited January 11, 2009).]
 

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General Nurgplakas hammered his leathery hoof-fist on an aide's head to drive home his point, while he slobbered out his words from a rhinocerous-like horned muzzle.

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This sentence is a bit hard to read. Perhaps you could cut it into two sentences, or something, to ease the introduction? Maybe its just me.

quote:

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“We can't be capturingss thesess earthlingss if they knowss nothingss, idiotss! Take this one outsidess and disintegratess it!”

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Good dialog, I like it.

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This one was me. I knew more than I let on, but the rhinos didn't know that. They also didn't know I had on a battle cloak and was a fast runner.

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I like the first two sentences. The last one reads a bit odd with the "also". Perhaps there is a way to do it without the "also" for example: "I knew more than I let on, but the rhinos didn't know that, or that I had a battle cloak on, and was a fast runner."

My example isn't great... I'm not sure how you could change it, but the "also" really irritates me.

quote:

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As soon as we left the general's tent and the stench of zoo, I toggled the stud on my belt, making me invisible, and pushed my tongue hard against my right upper wisdom tooth. An electric jolt hit me and I knew the Fastex had kicked in.

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Good good. I like it.

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Now I'd be able to run faster than humanly possible but I'd feel like rhino dung

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I don't personally like this sentence. "faster than humanly possible" is, in my own opinion, not a very interesting way to describe it. The rhino dung part just felt out of place for me.

I want to give you credit for the unique story though. I really enjoyed it, despite the comments I made. Keep at it.
 

This is redundant. By saying that he doesn't let on he's already saying that he hasn't informed the rhinos about it. So to say that and then follow it up with, "but the rhinos didn't know that" is redundant.

Also, I get a little put of by dialogue that tries to hard to sound "authentic"- in this case the ss at the end of the words. Instead of familiar words with odd spellings I prefer to just be given a description of how the speech sounds- "...he said, his words hissing as they were spoken"- or something to that effect. Then remind me every now and again about his odd sounding words.
 

in the first version, you describe the general's muzzle as "rhinocerous-like." Thus, when you subsequently refer to "the rhinos" it's clear enough that they are his people. However, in the second version we've lost this detail, so it is not immediately obvious who "the rhinos" are. It might be inferred from his "horned muzzle," but an alternative might be to refer to them as the general's "subordinates" (or cohorts, or lackeys, or similar.) Letting us know what's happening is more important than showing us what the villains look like.

I agree with Tim about reducing redundancy; I disagree about the dialogue, though. I think it's better to portray it than to describe it. FWIW.

Ard-choille,
Rob Roy.
 

[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 13, 2009).]