Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The only way to fly

This is topic The only way to fly - Fantasy, 1000 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by LAJD (Member # 8070) on :

Feedback on the first 13, of course. If anyone would like to read the rest....that is good too. Its just a small silly thing.

“Will it hurt, Mommy?” Davey asked. His wide blue eyes looked up at me from out of a round pink face. I held Davey’s hand as we inched to the front of the check-in line.
“Of course not, travelling in a sardine can is the only way to go.” I said and gave his hand a quick squeeze. “And we’ll see Daddy before you know it.”
“Yay! Daddy!” Davey dropped my hand and spun in a circle his arms flinging out in all directions.
“Stop that, now,” I said to the small dervish and snatched at a whirling arm. “It’s our turn.” I captured his arm and we stepped up to the check-in counter.
The woman peered at Davey over the tall counter and smiled.
“Where are you going to today?”

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 12, 2009).]

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

CUTE story please send

Posted by Tim Young (Member # 8421) on :

I'd like to read the rest of it.
timyoungenator@gmail.com
Is that the right way to do this? I'm new to this forum.

[This message has been edited by Tim Young (edited January 13, 2009).]

Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :

I';m intrigued. I want to see what "traveling by sardine can" means, and where daddy is that such a method of travel is required. Feel free to email the rest.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Nice opening. This reads as if it could be a mainstream story. Only thing gives me pause.

quote:
His wide blue eyes looked up at me from out of a round pink face

It's the out of a part. Makes me think that his face is weird, although I read enough published stories to know that a lot of publishers love these type of descriptions. Nevertheless, consider changing it to his, or just cut out of.

Posted by LAJD (Member # 8070) on :

Thanks for the comments. It's actually an expressionist story. They really *are* in a sardine can. LOL. I will send it on tonight.

thanks Snapper, for the "out of" comment. Oh, and I agree it does seem mainstream to me, too, unless I can find somewhere that likes expressionist fantasy other than FFO- where I got the idea to try this.

Maybe an inflight magazine....

Leslie

[This message has been edited by LAJD (edited January 13, 2009).]