Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Put the Pike in the Meanie Jar / 1000 word YA fantasy/ need readers

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Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

Hi guys// this story blasted off in one quick sitting// but flowed so well I couldn't stop till I finished it// please comment on first 13 lines and needs readers///does it hook? would you read on?
ver 1 /

quote:
Miss Tavish was unlike any home room teacher I ever had. She was what most of the boys in ninth grade would call hawt. Unlike the rest of the teachers, who were closer to retirement than just starting to earn tenure, she was funny. Oh, and did I mention she also was a witch?
Most would think a witch would want to hang out near schools to try and lure kiddies off to bake in ovens, but not Miss Tavish. She had a true teacher's heart. I learned from her academically and I admit now, became a better person from having known her. Miss Tavish had a Meanie Jar.

[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 15, 2009).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Geez, another submission, Honu? Let's see what you have this time.

quote:
Miss Tavish was unlike any home room teacher I ever had.

Like the first line.

quote:
First of all, she was what most of the boys in 9th grade would call hawt.

cut First of all,

quote:
Unlike the rest of the 9th grade teachers,

cut 9th grade. And as a rule, you spell out ninth grade.

quote:
Oh, and did I mention she also was a witch?

I don't like this line but don't have any suggestions on what you should do about it.

quote:
This story is about the best thing she taught me

This ruined any potential hook you had going with me. It turned this into a testimonial.
Without the line I am going to say it was smooth but not exciting. No hook today.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

thanks snapper/// I dealt with the nits in the original version and reposted

[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 15, 2009).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

quote:
Miss Tavish had a Meanie Jar

Oh, how a single sentence can make such a difference. Other than the last sentence of the first paragraph, I like it.
The last line hooked me. I'd read on.

Posted by Rob Roy on :

Good second attempt. I'd be delighted to read the story and respond, if you wanted to email it to me.

Ard-choille,
Rob Roy

Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :

quote:
Oh, how a single sentence can make such a difference.

- completely agree with snapper; love the meanie jar sentence.

I didn't see the original version, but I have no real problems with this current one. One thing, though - I found 'earn tenure' a little confusing (if it's an actual term then ignore me). Do new teachers have to work to earn a teaching position, like a probation period or something?

Anyway, no problems, would read on.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

thanks guys/// I believe serving a tenure period is somewhat common for teaching positions/// I will send to Rob Roy//// anyone else? it's a flash at 1000 words

Posted by Rob Roy on :

Honu,

I've read the story. Would you like my feedback here in the forum, or via email?

Ard-choille,
Rob Roy

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

e-mail would be best thanks

[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 15, 2009).]

Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :

quote:
I believe serving a tenure period is somewhat common for teaching positions

A tenure is an amount of time spent in a situation; 'a tenure period' doesn't make any sense, because it basically means 'a period period'. That's why I get confused by 'earn tenure'. I just think there's a better word for the job, is all .

Posted by Rob Roy on :

Bluephoenix,

you wrote:

quote:
A tenure is an amount of time spent in a situation; 'a tenure period' doesn't make any sense, because it basically means 'a period period'. That's why I get confused by 'earn tenure'. I just think there's a better word for the job, is all

Actually in educational institutions, "tenure" basically means "you've got the job for life/can't be fired." I didn't know it applied to secondary institutions in any jurisdiction; I've usually heard it applied in tertiary institutions. "Old professor Dingbat is as nutty as a fruitcake, but nobody can do anything about it because he's got tenure."

Ard-choille,
Rob Roy

[This message has been edited by Rob Roy (edited January 18, 2009).]