I am wondering if this hooks and if you would keep reading. I would welcome readers for the whole piece as well. Thanks in advance.
Draeken leaned forward. Sweat built on his brow and chased along his withered flesh. He strained to pull his hands apart. “Eb Enog.”
Lightning flared around the dark wraith spiraling before him in a void of darkness. “No!” The ground split and partially swallowed the creature from Hell. Still the demon struggled to pull its massive frame free from the soil seeking to claim it.
Draeken closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. His body shook, a primal growl rising within. Slowly his hands parted.
The demon’s eyes flared and it fell into the void. “Nooo!” One hand clawed its way from the surface, before the earth snapped shut severing arm from body. It fell to the ground then faded in a wisp of smoke.
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
I am not sure whether your magician is sending your demon back or keeping it from manifesting the No's took me a minute to sort out whether the demon was saying it both times...or not I would read on though
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I'm not really hooked. While it's cool that he'd destroying a demon, the fact is, he destroyed the demon. He has won this fight. There's no story question, as far as I can see.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
quote:Sweat built on his brow and chased along his withered flesh.
You use flesh quite a bit. It has a deeper meaning than 'skin'. This makes me think he is deformed or suffering from leprosy.
quote: He strained to pull his hands apart. “Eb Enog.”
Ehcilc. Yrt gnihtemos esle.
The opening is fine but familiar to the point were it doesn't look very original. As always, feel free to send it if you like.
Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :
I would be more hooked if I had a clearer idea of the POV. Seems like it might be Draeken, but I didn't see any indication of what might be going on inside his head. The POV could just as easily be a third character observing the struggle, but again without any reaction to the events.
It's hard to care without knowing what the character(s) care about.
Posted by Christian (Member # 7825) on :
I agree with dee_boncci. The action was cool, but there was no reaction from the POV character (whoever that might be). If it was Draeken, I'd like to know that he felt the strain of trapping the demon. What does it feel like to be in a battle of magic against a demon? Cool concept, but without this part an opportunity to hook the reader is lost. Or...if the demon is the POV character, let's play up what it feels like to be struggling to stay free (or to keep from being crushed by the closing earth). However, I would read on for another page or so to see what happened next.
[This message has been edited by Christian (edited January 20, 2009).]
Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :
Thanks everyone. Funny, I never realized in most of my pieces early on I always put a line in inner dialogue, or thought, which helps ground the reader in the pov, but I didnt here. I think I might revisit it. Thanks again.