Hatrack River Writers Workshop: White Road

This is topic White Road in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Troy (Member # 2640) on :

Just looking for thoughts and comments on the first thirteen. I'm not ready for readers for the story. Thanks... anything would be appreciated.

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The snake emerged, as long and thin as a whip, from one of the holes that ringed the domed ceiling of Piterador -- the Historian's hall -- and it slipped to the ground: splashed forward, through the stacks, moving over and under the histories of the world -- under when it could, enjoying the feel of the water on its belly. It switched to its day eyes when it came to the place where the Historian was working, writing intensely at his table, sweat upon his neck, the space sheared of darkness with lanterns.

The snake rose onto the table and wove its way through the piles of papers and books. The Historian lifted his sleeve and raised his wrist, which the snake coiled gently. It laid its head upon the Historian's skin, and delivered the name.

Posted by tgwharton (Member # 8430) on :

I like the image of the snake weaving through history to provide a name. It is an interesting POV to start with. It seems the snake is merely symbolic of something, but I found myself wondering what the writer was thinking when suddenly a snake wrapped itself aroud his arm. I would wonder if it was my arm.

Posted by Seraphiro (Member # 8414) on :

This idea is very interesting. At first, I feared that the snake was ominous, so thanks for relieving that fear. Snakes are generally viewed as dangerous, or so I've noticed, and that gave me a nice dread-filled tension. The imagery is very good, I just feel that the first line is kind of long. You could split the first chunk right where you placed the colon.

Also, "The Historian lifted his sleeve and raised his wrist, which the snake coiled gently."

Did you mean "coiled around gently?"

Those are my only qualms. Other than that, it's a good hook. I like it.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

You've got some good imagery buried in here, but the opening sentence is completely unwieldy -- and confusing.

quote:
The snake emerged, as long and thin as a whip, from one of the holes that ringed the domed ceiling of Piterador -- the Historian's hall -- and it slipped to the ground: splashed forward, through the stacks, moving over and under the histories of the world -- under when it could, enjoying the feel of the water on its belly.

You indicate the snake emerges from a hole near the dome ceiling, then slips to the ground, so you are jumping forward to the conclusion of the snake's movement, then explaining in the next portion how the snake gets there. Also water is mentioned amid the stacks -- is this a fountain? a basin? a river? It's not clear at all.

The space sheared of darkness with lanterns -- "sheared" doesn't work well here and again you are combining a lot of description in one sentence.

The snake rose onto the table -- Is the snake so huge that it can just clim b onto the table? (from the whip description I think not) Or did it twine about the leg to get there? Again, clearer imagery is needed to drive this scene.

The Historian lifted his sleeve - maybe "pulled back his sleeve"

With some wordsmithing this should be a great opening.

Posted by Troy (Member # 2640) on :

Thanks for the responses, folks. It always helps.

Posted by RDF (Member # 8363) on :

Hi Troy,

An intriguing start with a nice atmosphere. My main criticism is sentence structure and length. I understand that the snake is long and sinuous, but I don't believe that the sentence structure needs to reflect that (Maybe you intended the comparison?). Here are some nit picks that are strictly a reflection of my own bias.

First sentence, first paragraph:
"The snake emerged, as long and thin as a whip, from one of the holes that ringed the domed ceiling of Piterador -- the Historian's hall -- and it slipped to the ground: splashed forward, through the stacks, moving over and under the histories of the world -- under when it could, enjoying the feel of the water on its belly."

Wow. Consider breaking this into three or more sentences. I don't claim to capture what you have in mind, but something like the following would be easier for me to read: "The snake, as long and thin as a whip, emerged from one of the holes that ringed the domed ceiling of Piterador. Passing through the Historian's hall, it slipped to the wet floor and squirmed forward through the stacks. The snake undulated over and under the histories of the world, preferring under where it could enjoy the cool dampness against its belly."

The next sentence of the first paragraph is not as long and convoluted, but you could get at least two sentences out of it.

Same comment on the second sentence of the second paragraph.

I liked the hook, but I would have liked the presentation much better if there were shorter sentences. Could be just me, but I find shorter sentences more readable, especially when there is action.

Best of luck with the story.

Cordially,