Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Scotch and Stories / Sci-fi/ 1100 words/ Part of "Rhinoplast" series

This is topic Scotch and Stories / Sci-fi/ 1100 words/ Part of "Rhinoplast" series in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003446

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

Hi guys///another "Rhinoplasty" story//looking for readers//

quote:
The warm glow from Old Beastie was felt by all of us in Air Marshall (AM) Takahashi's office. An hour earlier he'd handed me my a** in a fight, now we were best friends.
He told me that I was at a disadvantage. He was probably right. He was some kind of master in Okinawan Karate. Even though I was twenty years younger, sixty pounds heavier, and had a foot of height on him, he'd made short work of me.
I got up to pour myself another scotch, again noticing the ancient blaster and wicked looking pig-sticker of a serrated sword hanging over the cold chest where the scotch was kept. “Sir, if I may ask, what's the story of these weapons?”
The AM looked at me a little blurry-eyed. For a minute I thought he wasn't going to answer, then he spoke very quietly.

Posted by Gan (Member # 8405) on :

Hey Honu. Up to more stories I see

A couple things stuck out, that I thought I'd share.

quote:
The warm glow from Old Beastie was felt by all of us in Air Marshall (AM) Takahashi's office.

This sentence feels a bit passive.

quote:
He was some kind of master in Okinawan Karate.

I personally think this sentence should read: "He was a master in Okinawan Karate."

I don't feel the "Some kind of" is necessary.

quote:
I got up to pour myself another scotch, again noticing the ancient blaster and wicked looking pig-sticker of a serrated sword hanging over the cold chest where the scotch was kept.

This sentence feels a bit run-on. Perhaps some commas, or a sentence split?

quote:
“Sir, if I may ask, what's the story of these weapons?”

If they're best friends, why is he calling him "Sir?" I can't imagine best friends addressing each other so formally.

quote:
For a minute I thought he wasn't going to answer, then he spoke very quietly.

The bold doesn't work very well for me personally. Perhaps a change in the way it reads. Might be personal preference.

I liked it, despite the comments above. You're still improving, so keep at it.

Posted by RDF (Member # 8363) on :

Hi Honu,

Gan addressed most of my style concerns, so I only have a few suggestions.

"The warm glow from Old Beastie was felt by all of us in Air Marshall (AM) Takahashi's office."

A warm glow filling the office is sufficient for me. I don't get the passive "felt by all of us" bit.

"He told me that I was at a disadvantage. He was probably right. He was some kind of master in Okinawan Karate. Even though I was twenty years younger, sixty pounds heavier, and had a foot of height on him, he'd made short work of me."

Something like "He revealed his advantage. He was a master..."
is more direct.

"I got up to pour myself another scotch, again noticing the ancient blaster and wicked looking pig-sticker of a serrated sword hanging over the cold chest where the scotch was kept."

More direct: "I poured myself..." "...where he kept the scotch."

“Sir, if I may ask, what's the story of these weapons?”
The AM looked at me a little blurry-eyed. For a minute I thought he wasn't going to answer, then he spoke very quietly."

Do you really need "little" or "very?"

Interesting atmosphere. Good luck with it.

Cordially,
Ron

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

You had me at,

quote:
ancient blaster and wicked looking pig-sticker of a serrated sword

I would make this the opening line. It is a hell of an inciting moment. Just a thought. I liked this

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

This has a lot of personal style to it. Having your own unique style of writing is great as long as your uniqueness works fluidly. And this does. Your narration has a slightly sarcastic/ tongue-in-cheek style and yet still progresses a story well. I could read this style without issue as long as the story idea was a good one.

Tracy

Posted by Takayuki_Shibou (Member # 8456) on :

I'm quite fond of this passage Honu. Most of the quips I had were addressed by other people, but I'd definitely keep reading.