I literally wrote this in an hour. I'm sure it has many, many flaws but I was hoping someone could take a look at it. I'd like to submit it to one of the flash fiction sites.
quote:It was so beautiful. There was no atmosphere to block the view, no smog to hide the majesty. "Mark," came a voice over the transmitter in his helmet."We've done the calculations. We can't turn around to come get you. I'm…sorry." Markus Shelton just smiled and stared at the vast emptiness that surrounded him. "It's okay Vince. Just do me a favor and start recording." He'd had to leave the ship in order to repair one of the antennas; nothing atypical even when underway. The random micro asteroid strike that severed his tether had literally been a one in a million shot. It was like winning the lottery…or losing it all in a plane crash the next day.
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
I think you got a nice read going...I might revisit the vast emptiness and fill it with "ocean of stars" in some manner to tie title and story together but what do I know....I like it and would read
Posted by Joseph Forrest (Member # 8460) on :
Thanks for the comments honu. The story title actually does figure in prominently later in the story. I just thought putting it in so close to the beginning would be a bit cliche. Also, it's my thought process that if you use the title of your story as a piece of dialogue or what not in the story it should be in regard to the heart of the story, which is the case in this one.
Again though, thanks for the comments. They were very encouraging.
Posted by Dogmatic (Member # 8425) on :
Hi, Good start. I liked it and it pulled me in. I wanted to hear a bit more about him being left alone before you got into the asteroid part. What did Markus feel when he looked into the vastness, what was he thinking? Maybe something to just set the tone more and to play with the reader a bit. I was just getting into it when it shifted to exposition.
To me the end tag line of the opening is "start recording." It set the terror of the situation well. The rest was good but maybe could be part of the next paragraph.
Overall good job, I'd keep reading. Steve
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Nice intro. Crisp prose with a lure and a nice punchy pace. I had problem with this tag:
quote:came a voice over the transmitter in his helmet
wordy and clumsy for a dialogue tag.
Otherwise this is great. I'll give this a go. Send it over.