Thoughts on the begining good, offers to read when completed even better

Here's a slightly different version

Zeljko walked into the club with a mixture of excitement and anxiety. The first thing that struck him was how much the club reminded him of the factory where he worked. Its stink of smoke, sweat and desperation mirrored the plant’s reek of chemicals, sweat and desperation, while the pounding of the music was little different from the pounding of the machines.
The design and décor did nothing to counter this feeling; metal catwalks stretched along black-stained walls between the concrete floor and bare-girder ceiling, while red and yellow spotlights covered the place in smelting-plant illumination. Here and there on the dance floor were cages of corroded rebar that patrons could squeeze their way into, feigning imprisonment in the depths of some industrial afterlife.

Heres a more differenter version...

Zeljko was both anxious and excited as he went into the club that night, but the first thing that struck him was how much it reminded him of the factory where he worked. Its stink of smoke, sweat and desperation mirrored the plant’s reek of chemicals, sweat and desperation, while the pounding of the music was little different from the pounding of the machines. It was comforting, and he found that fact vaguely disturbing.
The design and décor reinforced his initial impression; metal catwalks stretched along black-stained walls between the concrete floor and bare-girder ceiling, while red and yellow spotlights covered the place in smelting-plant illumination. He almost laughed when he saw that the bar was a section of rusted-out conveyor belt.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 05, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 05, 2009).]
 

While reading the first sentence, I wanted to know what struck him and skimmed the middle of the sentence. I would break it up into two sentences.

Prose-wise, I see little wrong with it, but I'm not the expert that some of the other Hatrackers are on that subject. I'm just calling it like I see it.
 

I'd much rather read an intro that gives me more of what you MC is feeling and experiencing rather than relying on the physical description of the place he just stepped into.

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited February 04, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited February 04, 2009).]
 

Also the line:
The design and décor did nothing to counter this feeling; metal catwalks stretched along black-stained walls between the concrete floor and bare-girder ceiling, while red and yellow spotlights covered the place in smelting-plant illumination.

Didn't seem to flow for me. I'm terrible at the technical side so I'm assuming the punctuation and grammar are correct but it just didn't flow well for me. It could be length or choice of wording but I find myself drifting in the middle of the sentence.

Overall good job, I like the comparison between the club and plant.
Thanks for sharing!
Steve

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I really didn't see any real hook... unless it was so subtle that I missed it.

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Thats because "hooks" are totally subjective...your not hooked by atomosphere most likely, but some people (like me) are.

This garnered pretty much exactly the reaction I expected...too much descreption, not enough of what the character is feeling...but thats ok...i realize this isnt much in the style prefered by most here. There is some of the MC's feelings, right there in the first line...but I may throw in another couple such touches. Although the thing is, my characters in these types of stories, by nature, have a somewhat limited emotional range.

There is one thing I wonder about though...

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In both of your openings you rely much on telling us what your MC is seeing, rather than showing

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I'm not sure how theres a difference when it comes to physical discreption. If the character sees another character who is tall and blond and I say that...then how is there a difference between "telling" he's tall and blond and "showing" that he's tall and blond? I'm just honestly curious as to where the distinction lies...I think its a pretty fine one in all writing, but especially in discreption I think it more or less totally breaks down...

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and you go into detail of your setting that really has me scratching my head over why it is so important.

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Because in my darker "industrial" inspired stories like this, the setting is in fact just as important as everything else.

Interestingly, a friend of mine and fellow hatracker recently became a slush reader and he told me a while back that in that capacity, the things he finds most gripping are a sense of setting and of character...just something to think about.

Thanks a lot everyone for the thoughts and the read offer...I may post another version at some point.
 

I can give it a read once you finish it, if you don't mind waiting a while for me to get it back to you.
 

1- The opening line

It is just too straight forward and telling. It makes me think of jokes beginning with 'a so-and-so walks into a club.

Don't get me wrong. This can begin with him in the club(as it should) but just open with his senory perceptions, his feelings. Don't just come out and tell us. Just my Opinion.

2- not much tension

Comparison between the bar and the factory he used to work in is interesting, but it seemed kinda flat with just the description and comparison between the two. A hint of conflict could spice this up a bit

I really like the idea here and I like where you are leading us but I think this could definaely be punched up. Dig a little deeper into the POV to give us more of the character. More emotion. I think this can be great and I would be glad to look over what you have or when you are finished.