Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Captain Takahashi / 1100 words / Rhinoplasty prequel

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Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

This is a Rhinoplasty series prequel/ 1100 words/ looking for readers and does first 13 hook? would you read on? ver / 1

quote:
Captain Shoji Takahashi blasted the Taran ship into sheet metal then searched below him until he located his wingmate. O'Meara had a Taran closing on her six. She turned in loops to take advantage of the hornet's tighter turning radius. “Keep looping Dodge. I'll get him,” Shoji said. Lieutenant Katlynn “Dodge” O'Meara was his wingmate, second, and lover. He rolled in on the Taran springer-class fighter. "Just about there,” Shoji said as he lined up the Taran in his sights.
“Hurry Shoji. He'll get me next loop!”TheTaran saw Shoji closing and turned where Shoji had anticipated. He sent him to spider hell.

[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 04, 2009).]

Posted by alittleofeverything (Member # 8024) on :

Hooray! More Rhinoplasty! Although, isn't flash fiction supposed to be under 1000 words?

This beginning doesn't hook me very well. I feel buried under all the details. What is a Taran ship? Who are these people? Why should I care?

This scene feels like it could work better later in the story, once we know who and what everything is.