Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Taran series / The Taran Invasion / 900 words

This is topic Taran series / The Taran Invasion / 900 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

Hi guys//this is the start of my other series arc// hooky at all? ver 2

quote:
The Taran nest-mother roused from her sleep as vibrations disturbed her web. “Is it meal time?” she asked. “No, Mother of the Nest,” the Wise One replied. We've found the human's origin world.”
She snapped awake. “You're sure of this, Wise One?” “Yes, Mother of the Nest. A cloaked ship followed their fleet back. It is their origin world without a doubt.” “How soon will we arrive there?” “Two eights of days, Mother of the Nest. Auspicious numbers for a mating and hatching.” “Indeed, Wise One. I'll call for the mates shortly. Now, though, I am hungry. You may offer your gift.” The nest-mother waited as the Wise One approached. When he drew near

Note from Kathleen: Not starting a new line for a new paragraph is cheating.

[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 11, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 11, 2009).]

Posted by Dogmatic (Member # 8425) on :

Overall a good job. I found the reading of it a bit choppy and hard to follow but I think that was just layout. Try the version below. The story starts out well but I think it ca be smoothed out a bit, the writing is missing a bit of flow which will then play nicely off the starkness of your last line.
Thanks
Steve

The Taran nest-mother roused from her sleep as vibrations disturbed her web. “Is it meal time?” she asked in broadcast thought.
“No, Mother of the Nest,” the Wise One replied. We've found the human's origin world.”
She snapped awake. “You're sure of this, Wise One?”
“Yes, Mother of the Nest. A cloaked ship followed their fleet back. It is their origin world without a doubt.”
“How soon will we arrive there?”
“Two eights of days, Mother of the Nest. Auspicious numbers for a mating and hatching.”
“Indeed, Wise One. I'll call for the mates shortly. Now, though, I am hungry. You may offer your gift.” The nest-mother waited as the Wise One approached. When he drew near she leapt onto his back and sank her fangs into his thorax, paralyzing him instantly. She opened his exoskeleton with her mandibles and fed.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

thanks steve, I pushed the paragraphs together to get the content of my 13 lines in I have paragraph breaks in the original thanks for your input I have a *** break at the feeding spot to accentuate that starkness

[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 11, 2009).]

Posted by LucyintheSky (Member # 8475) on :

Interesting hook, honu. I would definitely keep reading.

The word "roused" is awkward for me, placed as it is with nothing to qualify it.

I also stumbled over "she asked in broadcast thought." I know you're trying to get out the information that they are using telepathy, but labeling it "broadcast thought," reads a little strange. Worded the way you have it implies that it needs capitals, as if you are referring to a specific language: Broadcast Thought - interchangeable with Vietnamese or Pig Latin. If that is intentional, and you are planning to refer to Broadcast Thought as a special language, fine, if not, consider revising.

I really enjoyed:

quote:
Auspicious numbers for a mating and hatching.

That's a great line, and it's what first sparked genuine interest for me.