Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Changegate Two/ 1000 flash sci fi in it's own series

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Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

My "Taran" series story just got interesting enough to me that I'm well into a "Changegate Three" story....okay it's now become a " Changegate" series

ver 1 / is this hooky?

quote:
My name is Derek Fairfield. I am human. I repeated my mantra as I lapped up water and regarded the leopard-like creature drinking in the pond's reflection. Dark shapes moved beneath the pond's surface. The crocs would try a lunge as soon as they got close. I tilted my ears back and listened. I could handle all the predators but the crocs and their larger cousins, the drakes. I'd taken to calling them drakes because they looked like dragons in old vids. It was still early in the day for them to visit the waterhole. I often wondered if they might be cold-blooded. I'd either killed or scavenged about everything else in the last eight moons and so far all the reptilian/amphibian life was warm-blooded. I should know, I craved warm blood to drink.

[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 12, 2009).]

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

My name is Derek Fairfield. I am human. I repeated my mantra as I lapped up water with my feline tongue and regarded the leopard-like creature drinking in the pond's reflection.Ok, I'm with you, interesting opening, but that second sentence felt long and lacked flow. Maybe split it or something?

Dark shapes moved beneath the pond's surface. The crocs would try a lunge as soon as they got close.

I tilted my ears back and listened. I could handle all the predators but crocs and the bigger lizard-beasts [I'd taken to calling drakes.]- He has? He just called them crocs a few words ago. Maybe call them drakes and THEN explain that they are really just crocs.

They looked a bit like dragons in old vids and the name suited them. It was still early in the day for them to visit the waterhole. I often wondered if they might be cold-blooded. I'd either killed or scavenged about everything else in the last eight moons and so far all the reptilian/amphibian life was warm-blooded. I should know, I craved warm blood to drink.

I can't say I'm fully hooked, but that last line would probably keep me reading at least until he said why he craved blood.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

I can see I didn't make it clear enough that it was two different sets of beasties....hopefully my change does so thanks alliedfive

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

Oh, ok I get it now. Unfortunately that sentence has now become a monster. How about, "I could handle all the predators except crocs and their larger cousins, the drakes. I'd taken to calling them drakes because they looked a bit like dragons in old vids and the name suited them." or something. I think it'd be clearer.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

I agree alliedfive....thanks

Posted by JohnMac (Member # 8472) on :

My name is Derek Fairfield. I am human.
"His name was Eric Paulson...." No but seriously that did come to mind.

I repeated my mantra as I lapped up water and regarded the leopard-like creature drinking in the pond's reflection.

I like this as is. Short sentences before, short after. The pacing is fine to me.

Dark shapes moved beneath the pond's surface. The crocs would try a lunge as soon as they got close. I tilted my ears back and listened.

Would he really, actively think to tilt his ears back and listen when he's actively staring into the pond and trying to gauge when the crocs might leap at him? Almost seems a little out of place. However, I also think such wonderful changes in physiology should come more automatically and as more of a marvel while exploring and learning a new body.

I could handle all the predators but the crocs and their larger cousins, the drakes.

Point to make here - if he couldn't handle them he would be eaten and wouldn't be telling us this story...unless he ran away...(just a nit, really.)

I'd taken to calling them drakes because they looked like dragons in old vids. It was still early in the day for them to visit the waterhole. I often wondered if they might be cold-blooded. I'd either killed or scavenged about everything else in the last eight moons and so far all the reptilian/amphibian life was warm-blooded. I should know, I craved warm blood to drink.

And the rest flows just fine to lil' ol' me.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

good point about the ears johnmac...actually sometimes I notice my cat do that very thing if she is running towards the house and trying to locate another cat that chases her...she tilts and cups her ears back in a way that makes me think it's intentional...

Posted by Christian (Member # 7825) on :

Hey Honu, very nice. I love the first sentence. For me, it immediately brings a sense of drama.
I can definitely tell that this pics up after the first changegate (otherwise I would have thought that you had a feral human doing all of that)...at least until he tilted his ears back.

Great job.