Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "Changegate Four" 900 word/ in series

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Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

num 4 in series//is it hooky? /ver 1/

quote:

“Dn.” Sid called my attention to the rovers heading towards us. After meeting, she'd shared her name with me. It was unpronounceable for lep lips and became Sid. My name had been Derek. I didn't want to be “Dk” so I told her mine was Darren, now Dn. We called ourselves leps. Leopard was too hard to say.The rovers crossing into our territory carried two haunches. So the words gotten out I have a mate. Sid and I had hit it off well, our instincts had kicked in and she was pregnant. I wondered what was going to come from that.
The two haunch carriers trotted forward and dropped the meat then head bobbed and rejoined their group. I wasn't sure if it was tribute or their hunting license to hunt in our territory, but it was a nice gesture.

[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 13, 2009).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

You’re just kicking these flashes out, aren’t you, Honu. Careful that you don’t run to the well too often.

Now I haven’t been following your series so I am only judging this as a single submit.
I am wondering how your shorten names ‘Dn’ and ‘Dk’ are pronounced. Is it D N or din or den or something else. It’s important, this needs to be clarified.

Why all the italicized text? It’s too much and adds to my feeling of I don’t know what’s going on. Are they needed? I suggest you change as much as possible back.

quote:
After meeting, she'd shared her name with me. It was unpronounceable for lep lips and became Sid.

You already called her Sid so this is backward info-dumpish. I also wonder why he couldn’t at least attempt to tell us what it was. Nevertheless, I think it should be and so became Sid.

quote:
We called ourselves leps. Leopard was too hard to say.

Also backward info-dumpish. Who are the We? Sid and him? If so why would Sid have a name that even she couldn’t pronounce?

quote:
So the words gotten out I have a mate.

It took me a minute to realize this was internal dialog. Make it it’s own paragraph. Did you mean ‘word’ instead of ‘words’?

quote:
The two haunch carriers trotted forward and dropped the meat then head bobbed and rejoined their group.

This seems to be missing a comma or two.

This doesn’t feel like an opening but instead the start of chapter four, which I guess it is, in a way. If this is meant to stand on its own I will tell you that it doesn’t hook for me. Don’t see a conflict, dilemma, crisis, or discovery that would make me to want to read on.

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited February 15, 2009).]