This is topic "When Dreams Die" /1000 wd sci fi Taran series in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.


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Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
 
Part of Taran series/ does it hook? ver2 /
quote:
What happens to dreams when they die? Is there a mausoleum tucked away deep inside one's mind where dreams lie down on stony biers and cross their arms across their breasts to sleep a final sleep? These thoughts haunted me as I rode cross country in the chartered Greyhound bus to boot camp.
At least one dream I had when I was a kid didn't inter itself peacefully to rot away in the dark recesses of my mind. It was cremated the summer I turned thirteen. The year we nuked Phoenix.
Dad pulled me out of school a few days before summer vacation started that year. He took me out to the Chieftain dual seat crop duster and started getting it ready to take up. “Donnie you've shot up like a weed this last year.” He looked mighty proud of me.

[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 24, 2009).]
 


Posted by AMPAglut (Member # 8484) on :
 
It definitely hooked for me. A couple of comments:

"Is there a mausoleum tucked away deep inside ones mind where dreams lie down on stony biers and cross their arms across their breasts and sleep a final sleep?" --> "ones" should be "one's" and I think it would flow better as "...and cross their arms across their breasts TO sleep a final sleep?" so as to avoid "and... and... and...".

Finally, the second paragraph is a retelling of a more distant past, but presented in the same tense as the first paragraph. It's entirely possible that I'm wrong about this, but it struck me that it ought to have been: "Dad had pulled me out of school a few days before summer vacation started that year. He'd taken me out to the Chieftain dual-seat...". But like I said, I could be wrong.

Nice job.
 


Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
 
tys AMPAglut...changes made
 
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
 
You hooked me with <i>nuked Phoenix</i> But then, the story sort of dies as you backtrack to the dad and an airplane.

I'd like to see you start with the nuking of Phoenix and then run with it from there.


 


Posted by Omega (Member # 8502) on :
 
hooked me too with the hooked phoenix (mostly because I live there!) It was very good and for some reason I love the line "he looked mighty proud of me". Just makes me feel good about the character I guess
 
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
 
Sorry about that, but I sent the crit to the wrong story. Mea culpa...

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited February 25, 2009).]
 




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