Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Virtuous II (SF short story)

This is topic Virtuous II (SF short story) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :

Looking to feedback on first 13.

I hadn’t seen Mulls get so worked up over a pot of coffee in three years, though to be fair, these were the first beans on Virtuous II in almost eighteen months. He held the cup in trembling hands, not drinking, just smelling the aroma of the black brew.
“Mulls,” I said, “Get over the fact that you can justifiably call this a ‘coffee break’ and just drink that crap.”
“It’s coffee. For Christ’s sake, are you absolutely certain you’re human? I’ve been requisitioning the stuff for months.”
“How did you get enough signatures?” I hadn't signed, and couldn't think of anyone else who would.
“I got the Allothians to back me.” He sounded proud of himself.
“Allothians don’t drink coffee,” I reminded him. No one on Virtuous II did, except for Mulls

[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited February 24, 2009).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

EP,

I don't see anything that justifies changing. It would be nit-picking at best. The first 13 is fine. However, an opening about long awaited coffee isn't what I would call an intriguing storyline.
This is hooky enough for me to keep reading, for awhile. Hope the pace picks up soon.

Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :

I loved this opening. I'm chuckling. Well done.

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

This reads nicely. I don't have any major issues with the writing, but the hook is really subtle. It actually feels like the beginning to a novel. Some thoughts:

I hadn’t seen Mulls get so worked up over a pot of coffee in three years, though to be fair, these were the first beans on Virtuous II in almost eighteen months.This felt like a bit of a bait and switch, because the first part implies that the POV character doesn't know why he's excited (it sounds like there has been coffee this whole time, but somethings different now), then he goes on to say that he does indeed know why he's so excited. Suggestion: maybe the POV doesn't know why Mulls is so excited over this cup, then have Mulls tell him (in his first line of dialogue) that these are "real" beans: "It's coffee, real coffee, for Christ's sake...

He held the cup in trembling hands, not drinking, just smelling the aroma [of the black brew.]-Don't need this, we know what he's smelling.
“Mulls,” I said, “Get over the fact that you can justifiably call this a ‘coffee break’ and just drink that crap.”
“It’s coffee. For Christ’s sake, are you absolutely certain you’re human? I’ve been requisitioning the stuff for months.”
“How did you get enough signatures?” I hadn't signed, and couldn't think of anyone else who would.
“I got the Allothians to back me.” He sounded proud of himself.
“Allothians don’t drink coffee,” I reminded him. No one on Virtuous II did, except for Mulls

As I said, not many nits in the writing. I would read on because I appreciate the quality of the writing, but I'm not certain the hook is strong enough to grab an editor.

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

quote:

I loved this opening. I'm chuckling. Well done.

This.

quote:

not many nits in the writing. I would read on because I appreciate the quality of the writing, but I'm not certain the hook is strong enough to grab an editor.

And that

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

The hook for me is in the fact that it is clearly Sci-Fi. Many Sci-Fi stories start like this and it works because it's an alien environment from the get go. Of course it would be good if something other than coffee happens in the first three hundred words or it will get exponentially harder to sell. This start is quite Hollywood, even cinematic. The banter is believable and fun which in of itself will pull the reader along for a while. Good job so far.

Tracy

[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited February 26, 2009).]

Posted by melme54 (Member # 8482) on :

I'd keep reading. I want to know who the Allothians are.

Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :

Everyone, thanks for the almost overwhelmingly positive response. How would you feel if I said I was considering renaming it "Beans on Board" and making it so that almost nothing besides coffee happened?
Haha.

Posted by melme54 (Member # 8482) on :

Well, I REALLY like coffee, so I'm not the person to ask...

Posted by bemused (Member # 8465) on :

I love the opening thus far. Though I agree with alliedfive about the three years, eight months bait and switch. It is the only line that isn't spot on in my opinion. As for making it all about coffee? That may be hard to do. If it remains irreverant and maintains the excellent banter then it could work. The major danger I would see in an all about coffee story is that it may become a slice of life vignette more than a story with enough tension to hold the reader. With an opening like this though, I would definetly read on for sheer enjoyment... I really need a cup of coffee now...

Also, I rather liked the title of Virtuous II, it is an intriguing name for a blend of coffee.

[This message has been edited by bemused (edited February 26, 2009).]

Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :

Perhaps I worded that wrong. I suppose it would be better to say that in the direction I considered taking, the crux of the plot would be that the station gets some beans.

Not a coffee drinker myself, but hook me up with some tea (real tea, and unflavored, I want to taste the leaves, not the peaches, that's why we have iced tea) and I am a happy man.