Okay, going out on a limb here. I haven't finished the story yet (about 1000 words into it) but it's based on a dream I had a while back. Just want some feedback on the first 13:
Even if I’d known this was how my night out with Danny was going to end, I don’t know if I would’ve done things differently. The look on Daddy’s face when I walked in Grampa’s door was first a wash of relief and then murderous.
“Stop right there, Daddy,” I said, hands out in front of me, “Before you get mad, let me explain.”
“You walk in here at seven in the mornin, we had the police lookin for you. And your momma..." He paused, looking at my outstretched hands, "What do you think I’m gonna do to you?”
“I don’t know, Daddy. You look like you wanna slap me.”
“Have I ever hit you?” he asked with pain in his eyes, “Why’m I going to start now?”
“Where’s the phone? I need to call Momma.”
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
Its a good start. I hope you finish this.
The only problem I had was with Danny and Daddy, I had to reread to make sure I got it right. The names/titles are just a mite bit close for me.
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
the story has some tension going for it at start which I like...you've set up the question of (being with Danny) which could turn out really great if a speculative element enters into it in a short bit....if it doesn't I probably would pass on the rest...the writing seemed solid to me...the voices of your MC and Daddy were good.... Posted by melme54 (Member # 8482) on :
D'oh! I didn't even think about the sameness of Danny and Daddy! I'm changing Danny to David...
I'm changing Danny to David...