Thanks everyone!
quote:
The King needed a war and it was my job to create it. It didn’t matter who we fought, or even what, so long as it was profitable. A million thoughts raced through my head as I left the throne room, and each one made my smile grow. Finally, it was time to play the game again!
I detoured through the kitchens on my way back to my chambers. A proper idea needed good food before it could take root. Etta was there, as always, and I knew she’d be able to get me a decent meal from the King’s leftovers.
I slid up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist as she was kneading dough, holding her close. I knew she’d seen my when I entered, but she still let out a startled gasp and struggled against my embrace. These were her kitchens and nothing got past
[This message has been edited by Bycin (edited March 04, 2009).]
Just a couple of suggestions.
As your opening line I would try:
"The King needed a war and it was my job to find one, it didn't matter who, or even what, so long as it was pofitable."
I think that flows a little better.
The other thing was a typo I suspect. In the line: "I knew she'd seen my (me?) when I entered."
I'd be interested in reading when you finish it.
[This message has been edited by Denem (edited March 04, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Denem (edited March 04, 2009).]
quote:
The King needed a war and it was my job to create it.[What a fantastic opening thought! I would perhaps tweak the dialect to make it more authentic.] It didn’t matter[I like 'mattered not'. Seems to suit the period?] who we fought, or even what, so long as it was profitable. A million thoughts[Me too, I want to hear some of them] raced through my head as I left the throne room, and each one made my smile grow. Finally, it was time to play the game again![I expect the tone and grammar to be a little more guile and sinister here. This character is getting off on going to war which I dig. I think you could beef it up a bit.]
quote:
I detoured through the kitchens on my way back to my chambers. A proper idea needed good food before it could take root. Etta was there, as always, and I knew she’d be able to get me a decent meal from the King’s leftovers.
I slid up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist as she was kneading dough, holding her close. I knew she’d seen my[Me] when I entered, but she still let out a startled gasp and struggled against my embrace. These were her kitchens and nothing got past
You have something really good here. I will gladly look over the whole thing if you are ready for that.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 04, 2009).]
You hit the nail on the head with your suggestion about changing the style of some of the language, Bent Tree. There were a few instances where the tone shifted that were nagging at me, but I couldn't put my finger on. Thank you for the insight, it was just what I needed.
I'll post a revised thirteen at some point after the story has progressed further.
Thanks again.
quote:
The King needed a war, and it was my job to provide it. It mattered not who, or even what, we fought so long as it was profitable. A million thoughts raced through my head as I left Aldon’s throne room, and each made my smile grow. Border skirmishes, crusades, rebellions; all tried and true, but I longed for something different. I was getting old, how many other opportunities would I have for innovation? In the end, regardless of what I orchestrated, I knew it would be a thing of beauty. The board would be set and the pieces arranged by my direction. It was my game, and I never lost.
I detoured through the kitchens on my way back to my chambers. A proper idea needed good food before it could take root. Etta was there, as always, and I knew she’d be able to get me a decent
This is very intriguing. If this is the main character in the opening here, as, based on the title, I suspect it is, it looks like he's going to be a cool, Machiavellian, bloodthirsty, bellipotent anti-hero. I think this is going to be a good one.
Keep up the good work. Best regards,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 09, 2009).]
Thanks for the response. You've hit the nail on the head as far as the who the main character is. He's the King's go to guy for when things need to be shaken up. Kind of a public relations guy who isn't afraid to get his hands dirty and go that extra mile.
I'd be interested in your thoughts on the first line. The feel of the line needs to remain the same, as it was the inspiration for the entire piece. First lines are the way I write. I've never had any luck plotting and outlining. I need a solid first line and the rest of the story builds from there. I usually don't even know where I'll end up until I get there.
If you, or anyone, could suggest something to improve on the essence of the line, I'd appreciate it.
Hope you can find some inspiration in all that. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
Best regards,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 09, 2009).]
If anyone would be willing to read through and comment on my character development, pacing, and plot, I would greatly appreciate it!