Looking for readers for a quick disturbing piece of prose. Any help for the first thirteen would be awesome. ummm.. there's some cursing. ~Sheena
I was twelve when I made that coffin. My brother’s coffin. Jack was three and stricken with the yeller fever. The Doc said he wouldn't last until Sunday. I worked eleven hours every day that week. I loved my brother, and that coffin proved it. It was real tight too, tight on the edges so no worms could crawl through. That’s what made me work so hard, I kept seeing worms eating my brother's face. Every time I closed my eyes that’s what I saw. It was stained and varnished and shone like you wouldn’t believe. I was damn proud of that box. It made my momma cry, when she saw it. I think it brought her real comfort that her baby boy would be going out nice and comfortable. Course then, the son of a b**** didn’t die.
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited March 09, 2009).]
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
trade ya. I have a flash--hot off the press.
Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :
Cursing? That ****'s ****ing offensive.
"The Doc said he had about a week, so I worked hard, eleven hours every day that week."
I thought this read funny and could be reworded or transformed into two sentences. The particular part I noticed was that it seemed to me "I worked hard that week, eleven hours every day" would have a smoother flow. I realize that this would be too quick to use the word "week" again in one sentence. Maybe "The Doc said he had about one week left. I worked hard that week, eleven hours a day", or somesuch.
"I kept seeing worm eating my brother's face."
Worm should probably be pluralized into worms. I have to say I really like that sentence as it is. I don't know, it just sounds cool for some reason. You were probably going for multiple worms, though, hence the comment.
"I was damn proud of that box, it made my momma cry, when she saw it."
Might read better as two sentences, i.e. "I was damn proud of that box. It made my momma cry when she saw it." I think a semi-comma would also be an option. I personally would go with two sentences, but that might just be me.
Nice and creepy. Keep up the good work.
Best regards,
Brant
Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :
Sweet, thanks Bent Tree. I'll send mine, you send yours.
And Brant thanks for your imput. Really helpful. You want to read more? There's a whole lot of creepy left to go.
I'm going to try to submit this one, surprising for me, so imput is extra helpful. ~Sheena
Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :
This sounds cool; nice hook! I'll read the whole thing if you like. Don't be scared, I'm nicer than I used to be.