Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Temporal Sacrifice

This is topic Temporal Sacrifice in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by philipmcclelland (Member # 8494) on :

This is a short I've been tossing around. Thanks for taking the time.
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She had natural beauty, long lines and easy curves that drew the eyes of women and men alike. With long, wavy blond hair and full pouty lips she was the poster child for American beauty, without enhancements. She had sworn not to walk through the doors that the allure of her body opened. She had been determined to make it on her own, through grit and brains, not boobs and bang.
But now she had sacrificed all that for a vision of tomorrow’s perfection. She had sacrificed it to screw Julio David. He liked trashy women and she let herself be the kind of trash he couldn’t resist.
She could feel the warmth of the Semmerling XLM in her bare hand. She looked down at the sagging pile of bones, blood and

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 09, 2009).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

quote:
She had natural beauty, long lines and easy curves that drew the eyes of women and men alike. [[good opening line.]]With long, wavy blond hair and full pouty lips she was the poster child for American beauty, without enhancements. She had sworn[[to herself]] not to walk through the doors that the allure of her body opened. She had been determined to make it on her own, through grit and brains, not boobs and bang.
But now she had sacrificed all that for a vision of tomorrow’s perfection. She had sacrificed it to screw Julio David. He liked trashy women and she let herself be the kind of trash he couldn’t resist.
She could feel the warmth of the Semmerling XLM[[Couldn't place this term or decipher it from context.]] in her bare hand. She looked down at the sagging pile of bones, blood and

I can't really find anything wrong with the prose and their is a luring element, but this didn't really grab my attention. This is likely due to the subject matter and not a reflection of your storytelling.

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

First off, I love the title "Temporal Sacrifice". I thought this was very clever and well-written. Everything seemed pretty smooth, for the most part.

"With long, wavy blond hair and full pouty lips she was the poster child for American beauty, without enhancements."

The "without enhancements" part didn't ring right to me as an add-on or as the end for that sentence. Maybe as a separate sentence all by itself, which I think would gel with the tone of the entire piece quite well. Or maybe with a little more at the end, like "With long, wavy blond hair and full pouty lips she was the poster child for American beauty, and she did it all without enhancements." Not that exactly, but maybe something along those lines.

"She had sworn not to walk through the doors that the allure of her body opened."

Again, this just somehow didn't ring right. Maybe just "She had sworn not to walk through the doors that her alluring body opened" might work better. I don't know, it just felt like a strange mix of cliche and imagery to me, maybe because doors are vaginal symbols, although you did reference the attraction of "men and women alike" earlier, which might justify it. Could just be a misfired synapse on my part, or another example of my amazing superpowers of misperception

I loved the last line, about the sagging pile of bones, blood and...?

Hope you find some assistance or inspiration in my babblings. Keep up the good work.

Best regards,

Brant

Posted by Jason R. Peters (Member # 8518) on :

quote:
She had natural beauty, long lines and easy curves that drew the eyes of women and men alike.

My first concern is that I'm not "behind the eyes" of a POV character yet. Is this an omniscient perspective? Who sees this woman this way? Everyone?

quote:
With long, wavy blond hair and full pouty lips she was the poster child for American beauty, without enhancements.

I *think* "full" needs a comma, independent of whether you decide to "serial comma" or not, because the last item is "pouty" of that two-word list. "wavy" describes "blond" but "full" describes lips rather than "pouty". Sorry to nitpick =(

quote:
She had sworn not to walk through the doors that the allure of her body opened. She had been determined to make it on her own, through grit and brains, not boobs and bang.

Now I'm intrigued, but if I'm being told of her determination, is it as an outside character? Or am I within this woman's POV? From the end of this segment, it seems she is the POV character; if so, why is she describing herself in her thoughts?

My inclination is to reverse some of these descriptions. Maybe if your first hook is that she'd thrown it all away, I begin to wonder, "Thrown what away?" and then I'm told...her life of not giving into working her own charms.

[This message has been edited by Jason R. Peters (edited March 11, 2009).]