Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "The Gobler Goblin" 1000 word childrens fantasy

This is topic "The Gobler Goblin" 1000 word childrens fantasy in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003517

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

looking for readers...childrens 1000 word fantasy ver 1 /

quote:
“Your mama is a turkey! Nyah-nyah-nyah!” The goblin bullies in Wilbur's class were at it again, teasing poor Wilbur mercilessly about his mom. The sad thing, Wilbur thought, was that it was true.
The bullies knocked Wilbur's books from his hands as they stepped into the classroom just as the bell rang. Darn. Now I'm gonna be late.
He stooped down to pick up his books, his neck wattle blushing bright red, as the large hairy feet of Mrs. Pimplethorne, his home room teacher, appeared in his vision.
“You causing trouble again, Mr. Gnashley?” Mrs. Pimplethorne said.
Wilbur knew whatever he said would be pounced on by Mrs.
Pimplethorne. Neither goblin student nor teacher treated him

[This message has been edited by honu (edited March 10, 2009).]

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

This was pretty smooth. Goblin bullies has a cool ring to it.

"The bullies knocked Wilbur's books from his hands as they stepped into the classroom just as the bell rang. Darn. Now I'm gonna be late."

I would use goblins instead of bullies, simply because I find the fact that they're goblins more interesting.

Neither goblin student nor teacher treated him

The "goblin student" part didn't ring right to me, but that might just be me. Maybe "Neither the goblin students or the teacher treated him..." Given the fact that I don't know the rest of this sentence, I might be totally off-base here.

Does anyone remember the cartoon "Galaxy High School"? This sort of reminded me of it. A lot of your material would make for some great animated pieces, I think. I love cartoons, so please don't take that the wrong way

Your pieces always seem extremely smooth to me. Looks like you have a pretty good handle on things like grammar, syntax, structure, etc. I'm jealous!

You have a great imagination. Keep up the good work.

Best regards,

Brant

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 10, 2009).]

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

Ooh, just noticed, the proper spelling for Gobler is Gobbler, unless, of course, you're playing off the word goblin, in which case forget I ever wrote this.

All the best,

Brant

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I'll have a go, if you'd like.