Original 1st thirteen

I always healed much faster than everyone else. I think the good Lord made me that way on purpose, so that when I took a hurt for one of my kids I could heal up and take another one right quick. Now, they aren’t truly my children, but when you have taken twisted ankles, broken bones, even cancer and a gunshot once, you can’t help but get a little sentimental.

That winter was colder than any I remember, although most things are colder and more uncomfortable to me now. I suppose that’s how you know you’re getting old. I guess it was my old age that made me miss him at first, made me think it was something I was doing. But it’s clear now, he came to replace me, and I wasn’t about to let him without a fight.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited March 11, 2009).]
 

I might start with the replacement - the narrator not wanting to give up his job without a fight (and hence the promise of some interesting action) would probably be enough to keep me reading. That would keep it from being lackadaisical. Or melancholy. He/she/it isn't just giving up. Then you could work in whatever healing magic (that's what you were going for, right?) he does a little later instead of in the first 13.

Just a thought,
Kitti
 

If you reverse these two paragraphs, I think being replaced is the stronger hook while you can still work healing into the first thirteen, which leaves me wondering how the two will be connected in paragraph 3. (I was already wondering in this version, though.)

What I like about this is how well you have established the POV character right off the bat. I feel like he's already got a personality. Whether I like or dislike him later, either way he's got real dimension up front.

I also enjoy that the healing magic is subtle rather than hammered home. It's just something the POV character notice has happened to him rather than some mystical thing the author wants to showcase.

You can send more to me if you like.

[This message has been edited by Jason R. Peters (edited March 11, 2009).]
 

I think a major reason to go for the first person, is to offer quarky and unique qualities to the voice, otherwise, this might be better told in the third. So I would recomend adding an edge to the voice to make it stand out.
 

"so that when I took a hurt for one of my kids"

This didn't sound right to me, specifically the took a hurt part. I'm not sure if you're going for some type of dialect or tone I'm unfamiliar with. If so, forgive me. I think maybe "hurting" might work better that "hurt."

"Now, they aren’t truly my children, but when you have taken twisted ankles, broken bones, even cancer and a gunshot once, you can’t help but get a little sentimental."

This is a very interesting, hooky sentence, making one wonder as to the nature of the character.

"But it’s clear now, he came to replace me, and I wasn’t about to let him without a fight."

This sentence didn't sound right to me either. Maybe "But it is now clear that he had come (or was coming) to replace me" as an alternative for the first part? Maybe "he had come to replace me" or "he was coming to replace me" might work better? I'm not sure. Maybe just options to consider.

Given that this is first-person POV, you can pretty much do what ever you want as far as mental dialogue, but, for me at least, parts of this just didn't come off well. Might just be me, though.

Hopefully I've been of some assistance here. Best regards,

Brant
 

By the time Garner Flint arrived at the little park by the post office, he was wheezing like an old locomotive.

Jackson Green, eight years old and afraid of nothing but his daddy’s belt, was dangling from the old sycamore by one arm. Flint wondered again why he hadn’t just chopped down that old tree while it was still a sapling. He knew better than anyone what a hazard it could be.

Flint kept moving as fast as he could, leaning on his cane and trying to slow his breathing. He had always healed a good bit faster than lesser men, but he was starting to slow down; suppose old age can’t be healed. Maybe that’s why he didn’t notice the new guy, O’Malley, at first.
 

The first emphasizes the empathic ability and makes it quite clear. I don't get the speculative aspect from the second version.

Yes, the first one's tone is melancholy. Between that tone and the deep-penetrating first person narration, I took that for weariness. My imagination goes past the first 13 to think that he really is ready to be replaced, but does not realize it. The first version sets up development in a deep character-driven story.

The second version shows him as physically decrepit, which is far from the same thing.
 

I'm not sure how you can eliminate the melancholy of the first version, but you might not have to. Melancholy is usually around in older characters. Thing is, the first few lines made me think he was a younger character. Maybe, and this is a big maybe, if it was clear that he was an older man, then the melancholy wouldn't be so bad?

One clear reccommendation, however: Instead of having the narrator reflect on how he healed much quicker than most, I would like him to reflect on the gratitude of his "kids". You see, when somebody says, "I always healed quicker than most", they come off as bragging. But, if someone says, "Often, the children's mother's would bake me a pie or cornbread in grattitude for what I did." it's more matter of fact, and has the added pull of causing the reader to wonder, "what did he do?"