Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Wroids

This is topic Wroids in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

This is a completed piece that I plan on submitting for a place where a few slush readers have admitted skipping through the submission if the opening doesn't hook them.

So I am interested on the hook factor. Why, how, and why not. Thank you very much.

quote:
Steve Frenner flipped through the pages of Balto’s latest brain scan. Spikes in some of the bars suggested the new drug was having an influence. “There is something happening,” he said, tracing the erratic graph. “Is it working?”
Rosanna shrugged and frowned. “That’s why I called you.”
Steve arched an eyebrow at the grad student. She brightened and smiled. He recruited the eager-to-please intern to work on a drug he hoped would reconstruct neural pathways, at his house. Unethical, but doing so cut years off of research, and avoided the mountain of red tape. His latest discovery showed promise. If all worked well, stroke victims would be able to return to normal. Unfortunately, all was not working well.
“What’s it doing to the chimp?” he asked.
“I think it’s making him insane.”

Version 2

quote:
Steve Frenner studied the chimpanzee inside the cage.
“Is it working?” he asked Rosanna, his interning assistant.
She shrugged and frowned. “That’s why I called you.”
Balto dipped his fingers in paint and apply it to the wall. The figure he painted had a red square-ish shape on top and a green vertical line, with a slight curve, attached to the bottom. Two smaller green oval shapes were on opposite sides of the line. Balto would climb the bars of his cage, look at a mirror on the opposite wall, and run back to apply more paint to his figure.
Rosanna shook her head. “I can’t figure out what he’s doing. At first I thought it might be a self-portrait but that clearly isn’t the case.”
“Why give him the paint in the first place?”

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 11, 2009).]

Posted by Jason R. Peters (Member # 8518) on :

quote:
Steve Frenner flipped through the pages of Balto’s latest brain scan. Spikes in some of the bars suggested the new drug was having an influence. “There is something happening,” he said, tracing the erratic graph. “Is it working?”
Rosanna shrugged and frowned. “That’s why I called you.”
Steve arched an eyebrow at the grad student. She brightened and smiled. He recruited the eager-to-please intern to work on a drug he hoped would reconstruct neural pathways, at his house. Unethical, but doing so cut years off of research, and avoided the mountain of red tape. His latest discovery showed promise. If all worked well, stroke victims would be able to return to normal. Unfortunately, all was not working well.
“What’s it doing to the chimp?” he asked.
“I think it’s making him insane.”

I can honestly say that it didn't hook me. Unfortunately, I don't really know "why". **ducks**

But here's what I suspect. I don't care about either character, or this guy's research, and certainly not about the chimp. It's difficult to explain because it's like trying to describe an "unpresence" of something desired than the presence of something undesired.

I can find no fault with your writing; nonetheless, I wasn't hooked.

I suspect that I feel detached partly because you're doing a lot of exposition; a lot of telling rather than showing. It reads like a summary of circumstances rather than a story.

1. Hiring an intern has these advantages.
2. Success on the research accomplishes this.

These sorts of conclusions provided up front don't really motivate me to care. Perhaps if Frenner has conflicting feelings about hiring his intern (and maybe that was your intention), you draw the reader more into Frenner's perspective.

You've told me in the first sentence that he sighs, but I don't feel the frustration I'd expect would be palpable if he really cares about these results. Internally, if this were my dream, I'd be asking the gods, "DAMMIT, WHY?" I don't necessarily suggest going melodramatic, but perhaps if Frenner seems more motivated to success than I see here, I can identify more with him. This opening almost makes it sound like dodging red tape is more important than success of the experiment.

If that's truly the case, that itself could make for an interesting character trait, but since I don't really know either way, it's hard to sympathize with the guy. Or his all-too-competent-and-bright assistant.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I couldn't really find that much wrong with it, but it didn't really hook me. I suppose it could be the nature of the subject.

The Doctor, I presume, didn't sound very doctorly, especially not for one researching a new drug. I think the lingo and medical terms should probably be spruced up a bit to appeal to this type of readership.

Any time I see the hooky last line in an intro, it feels like a device to me. 'I think it is making him crazy' seemed to fit that bill and again, didn't seem a realistic dialogue, well perhaps from the grad student, but then again it seems they would be trying to impress the boss.

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 11, 2009).]

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

I found the first four sentences hooky, the second five sentences unhooky, and the final six sentences hooky. So, I think you're on the right track.

“There is something happening,” he said, tracing the erratic graph.

I thought that perhaps something a little more specific or detailed here might be more interesting. Maybe something about a rise or decline in hormones levels or brain activity or something.

"He recruited the eager-to-please intern to work on a drug he hoped would reconstruct neural pathways, at his house."

I think maybe "He had recruited" might work better here. It kind of sounded like he was recruiting the intern at the very moment. Also, the "at his house" part seemed misplaced, or like the house itself had neural pathways (which sounds pretty cool, come to think of it. Hmm..." Perhaps "He had recruited the eager-to-please intern to work at his house and assist him with with the development of a drug he hoped would reconstruct neural pathways." Might want to consider making this two sentences, as well, since I know you're an advocate of making things as simple as possible (in a good way.)

"Unethical, but doing so cut years off of research, and avoided the mountain of red tape."

This didn't ring right either. Perhaps "Unethical, but doing so would cut years off of his research, and reduce the mountain of red tape that went along with it." I tacked "that went along with it at the end" because it sounded better to me that way, but that's obviously a matter of personal opinion.

Poor chimpanzee

Hope you find something useful in all this. Best regards,

Brant

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 11, 2009).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Thanks everyone,

I started the second version a bit more into the story. Let me know if it is better

Posted by Jason R. Peters (Member # 8518) on :

Second version is much improved over the first. It sparks my curiosity a number of ways. Why give the paint indeed?

The fact that the boss asks the question, and the assistant ALSO doesn't know the answer, rings true to me, less like a contrivance.

"Duh, that's why I called YOU." Very nice touch.

I would read more if you are inclined to send it.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Steve Frenner studied the chimpanzee inside the cage.
“Is it working?” he asked Rosanna, his interning assistant just "intern" would suffice. If he's at a university, though, he'd probably have a postdoc or grad student, rather than an intern.
She shrugged and frowned. “That’s why I called you.”I felt like all this stuff is wasted space. The first few lines do nothing for me because I have no idea what they are talking about. Is what working? The cage? The fact that they're wondering if something is working at this point doesn't draw me in--I have no context yet to pin it to. Maybe if you rephrased "is it working" to something more contextual or more suggestive I'd be hooked more.
Balto dipped not immediately clear to me who Balto is. his fingers in paint and apply applied it to the wall. The figure he painted had a red square-ish shape on top and a green vertical line, with a slight curve, attached to the bottom. Two smaller green oval shapes were on opposite sides of the line. Balto would climb the use of "would climb" in this case draws away from the immediacy of the action because it describes what Balto would do, not what he's doing. the bars of his cage, look at a mirror on the opposite wall, and run back to apply more paint to his figure. I'm mildly hooked by the chimp's behavior. The detailed description of the picture I found a bogged down the pace a bit.
Rosanna shook her head. “I can’t figure out what he’s doing. At first I thought it might be a self-portrait but that clearly isn’t the case.”
“Why give him the paint in the first place?” This sounds like a leading question to me, though obviously I don't know since I haven't read the next section.

So far, chimp that draws. Not hooked. My 2 cents.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Thank you everyone.

This is so frustrating becasue the story isn't about the assistant or the chimp. It's about the drug and the effect it has on people. I want to introduce it at its creation. Only my lead charcter is in the rest of the story.

Hmmm, I guess I may need to reexamine my opening.