Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Millenium of Mediocrity

This is topic A Millenium of Mediocrity in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003526

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

I get up in the morning… every morning. For a thousand years, I have gotten up every morning. I have never been sick. I have never stayed in bed into the afternoon. When the sun gets up, so do I. Let’s see. One thousand years. 365 days a year. That’s 365,000 times I have gotten up, give or take five figures.

I get up, look in the mirror (that is after they invented mirrors), shave (I always liked to be clean shaven, although I haven’t always been able to get away with it), dress myself and go about my business. Believe me I have had a lot of business.

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 13, 2009).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Owasm,

To me it seems as if the story doesn't have the right starting point. Where's the point in the story where his life changes after so many years of mediocrity? Start just before then.

For me, the line "For a thousand years, I have gotten up every morning" does the job of establishing the premise. Everything else doesn't promise anything special about the story and you can probably lose them to get to the true starting point.

Cheers,

Nick

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

Thanks for the input.

I think you're both right about not starting at the right point. I wrote a long exposition of what his life was like until the present day. It's an interesting perspective... for me.

Perhaps I should use what I wrote as a backgrounder. That means a new beginning.

I'm new at writing for an audience. I find that I tend to start a project as if it was a movie. I'm finding that a movie hook is not the same as a written one.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

Hi. Here's My take:

quote:

I get up in the morning… every morning.<--[Tense switch]-->For a thousand years, I have gotten up every morning. I have never been sick. [I have never stayed in bed into the afternoon.<--[Redundant, IMHO - cut.] [When the sun gets up, so do I.<--[Again, redundant, it adds nothing, just detracts from the story and getting us into the character.] [Let’s see. One thousand years. 365 days a year. That’s 365,000 times I have gotten up, give or take five figures.<--Redundnat, and condescending. We can do the math, but there's no reason to.]
I get up, look in the mirror (that is after they invented mirrors), shave (I always liked to be clean shaven, although I haven’t always been able to get away with it), dress myself and go about my business. Believe me I have had a lot of business.<--[Mostly mundane (why do I care about him shaving, getting dressed, or getting up in the morning?) and a bit redundant (..."after they invented mirrors...) with no relevancy.]

First, you had four more lines to give us more.

Second, if you trim the redundancies and mundane details, you are left simply with thehook of him being 1,000 years old.

Stripped, it looks like this:

quote:
For a thousand years, I have gotten up every morning and never been sick.

Great opening hook.

Now, what we (I) need to know to hold my interest:

1) Who is he?

2) What makes him special/why should I get attached?

3) Where is he?

4) What time period is he in? Presently.

5) As a short story, I need to see promise of some type of conflict/problem which needs to be overcome--even if it is not the main one.

6) If his "business" is important to the story, you are creating false suspense by withholding what it is. The story should be just as interesting without that secret.

I hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 13, 2009).]