Hatrack River Writers Workshop: WIP - The Study (working title) First 13

This is topic WIP - The Study (working title) First 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Denem (Member # 8434) on :

I welcome all feedback, but three things in particular:
Does First Person P.O.V. work in this case?
Does it contain enough of a hook?
Does the tone work for a children's story format?

I will be looking for readers when draft is finished.

My uncle’s study had always interested me. Dusty and dark, it felt like a place of secrets. There was always something interesting to see when I visited, always a story to tell. Uncle Jack traveled a lot and always brought back trinkets and such that I could find some way to break. He still wouldn't let me see the bow staff he had brought back from Britain after I broke one of his favorite lamps with it.
Something seemed out of place when I showed up at his house one Saturday morning. Uncle Jack’s old rusty Volkswagen was home but he wasn’t. The house was dark and cold and an odd smell irritated my nostrils. He was expecting me as he had called me three day prior asking if I would be like to come see him.

[This message has been edited by Denem (edited March 13, 2009).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Straight off the bat...rather than telling me the study is interesting, make it interesting from the start. Tell us about the interesting things it contains. What trinkets?

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

It's just not tight enough to hook. See if you can condense it. Skadder's suggestion is a good one... make it more 'now' rather than in the past. if you reminisce in the first 13, the reader starts to snooze. For an example of making it tighter: My uncle's study, dusty and dark, was always a place of secrets.

The explanation of calling three days ago is too long and boring. See if you can condense it. (Typo: three day prior should read three days prior.)

There's some good stuff in there, you've just got to give it birth.

As for your questions: POV is fine. Hook isn't there yet. It's fine for YA and a bit below so far.

-Owasm

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 13, 2009).]