It was an extravagant amount of lantern light.
Nervously, Lugzda tucked behind a boulder. “Purdy.” She wiped slobber of her sagging swollen lip. She hadn’t seen such a large many torches in procession since the funeral march of Wampati. She wondered who’d died and wished she could ask somebody, but she’d get her ears cut off. Chief Balzdug had banished her.
A bat beetle landed on her neck and scurried up to her ear, distracting her from the procession. Pinching it between her pudgy, filthy fingers she popped it in her mouth and squished it on the roof of her mouth with her tongue and swallowed. Then she giggled after squeezing out a flatulent cloud and admired its aroma. She slapped her hand against her mouth, a little too
My take:
quote:
It was an extravagant amount of lantern light.
Nervously, Lugzda [tucked<--Did you mean ducked?] behind a boulder. “Purdy.”<--[It took me a moment to realize that she's talking about the light.] She wiped slobber of her sagging swollen lip. She hadn’t seen such a large many torches in procession since the funeral march of Wampati. She wondered who’d died and wished she could ask somebody, but she’d get her ears cut off. Chief Balzdug had banished her.
A bat beetle landed on her neck and scurried up to her ear, distracting her from the procession. Pinching it between her pudgy, filthy fingers she popped it in her mouth and squished it on the roof of her mouth with her tongue and swallowed. Then she giggled after squeezing out a flatulent cloud and admired its aroma. She slapped her hand against her mouth, a little too
I like it. The only suggestion I'd make is to distill the opening couple of sentences:
Lugzda ducked behind a boulder. She hadn’t seen such a large procession of torches since the funeral march of Wampati. "Purdy." She wiped slobber of her sagging[,] swollen lip, and wondered who’d died. She wished she could ask somebody, but she’d get her ears cut off.
I love what you've got, but more so with a clean 1-2 punch.
I'd read on.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 16, 2009).]
I would probably use the word purty rather than Purdy as when Purdy is capitalized it is too much like the last name and distracts. Another solution would be to not capitalize it and stick in an ellipsis " ...purdy"
You might want to rethink the phrase "a large many torches"
Seeing the word 'extravagant' on the first line was distracting and kept me from getting into the scene when insect mastication and flatulence were so lovingly treated later.
Other than that I am ready to be entertained. I wouldn't mind giving it a read.
- Owasm
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 17, 2009).]
-Pinching it between her pudgy, filthy fingers she popped it in her mouth and squished it on the roof of her mouth with her tongue and swallowed.
You use 'and' twice in this sentence. This is something I usually try and avoid, although I am not certain if it is a 'rule'--but it is certainly a style choice I prefer. Just split the sentence:
-Pinching it between her pudgy, filthy fingers she popped it in her mouth. Using her tongue, she squished it on the roof and swallowed.
-Then she giggled after squeezing out a flatulent cloud and admired its aroma.
The chronology of this sentence is inaccurate and this always attracts my eye.
1. She squeezes out at flatulent cloud.
2. She giggles.
3. She admires the aroma (although this may be before or after the giggle.
My personal preference is to keep the chronology so that the prose unfolds as things happen--unless of course you are going for a specific effect.
Hope this helps.
Adam