“Murder.” Emmet stared out the window, lines of worry creasing his face as he spoke, “though few would think Gerald capable.” In the valley below the settlement, the militia continued to coalesce, a formidable force.
He sensed Marcus turn from the window to face him. “How can anyone be sure?”
“Gerald arrived last night bloody and hysterical.” Emmet glanced across at him, adding, “everyone else is accounted for.”
Marcus turned back to the window, sighing. “We can’t defend against that many if they attack.”
A young girl stepped in view outside, walking slowly into the open. Emmet sprung into action, not waiting to see if someone below was raising a rifle at her.
quote:
Original Version:“Murdered,” Emmet said.
Marcus turned from the window to face him. “How can anyone know?”
“He arrived last night bloody and no one else is missing from here or Amret.”
Below the settlement the militia continued to coalesce, a formidable force.
“We can’t defend against that many if they attack,” Marcus said.
A young girl stepped in view outside the window, walking slowly into the open. Emmet didn’t wait to see if someone below was raising a rifle at her.
Without thinking, he opened the door, reached out and pulled her in bodily. Her torso felt cold and clammy against his arm as he
Complete at around 900 words, I'd be delighted to have the larger piece critiqued should anyone's interest be sufficiently piqued.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 18, 2009).]
quote:
“Murdered,” Emmet said.[[Punctuation is vital here. This read flat because it is written as a statement. I'd expect to see a question. 'Murdered?' Emmit was flabbergasted....]]
Marcus turned from the window to face him.[[Who? I am already starting to get character confusion.]] “How can anyone know?”
“He arrived last night bloody and no one else is missing from here or Amret.”[[said who? I have no Idea which character is which.]]
Below the settlement[[Below? beneath? South of? This is an inadequate description to me.]] the militia continued to coalesce, a formidable force.[[This is abreviated and seems to apear from nowhere. Are they looking out of a window and seeing this or is it general knowledge. I am unable to visualize this scene.]]
“We can’t defend against that many if they attack,” Marcus said.
A young girl stepped in view outside the window, walking slowly into the open. Emmet didn’t wait to see if someone below was raising a rifle at her.[[This is a passive line an does little to forward the plot. If he didn't wait to see...why mention it. This makes it seem a device.]]
Without thinking, he opened the door, reached out and pulled her in bodily. [[Not entirely sure what this means]] Her torso felt cold and clammy[[It seems she would be sweaty and bloody if she just got shot. Was he worried about getting similarly sniped as he opened the door?]]
I think there is real potential here, but this seemed clunky and didn't do much to entice me.
To begin with a lure is cast. We learn of someone 'dead' and it seems to have a serious impact on the MC, whom I cannot determine.
The first thing I look for is a character and then determine wether or not I like him/her/it. If I don't like the MC, I typically only continue if I can find something to hate about them, but It was never clear to me who the MC was. There are three characters(I think) in this intro, but none of them stood out in any way.
Otherwise I think there is a little too much happening in this scene. I think it should be condensed and refined into something forward moving without seeming so busy and abbreviated.
Main questions I'll ask. Is the news of this unknowns death the inciting moment? Is it relevant to the plot?
Or is it more important to set the scene and show us the seemingly engaging action that is happening in the present time of the story setting, which wasn't adequately depicted? I think this might better serve the story, simply because it is what I am most interested in. But I cannot say which is most relevant. It may be both. Either way I think the scene and characters need to be set better.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 17, 2009).]
The problem with this opening is point of view. There's no one to grab on to. Marcus and Emmet's discussion is clinical, detached. They might as well be talking about what they ate for dinner. There needs to be more emotion infused in the scene. The setting of the scene is just fine.
The girl hasn't really arrived yet. So the reader has to read on to see if the story is worth it.
My only suggestions for what you've written is I would change the comma after murdered to a period to imply it's an answer and an end to the unspoken question.
Pulling her in the room bodily... I don't know if there is another way, so that makes bodily redundant.
I'd be happy to read the whole thing.
- Owasm
- Owasm