Ever since Dad took me to see Smugglers' Run I was hooked. It was hardly surprising. Most kids at school already played Smugglers and Feds, and Jim Henge flew his radio controlled Runner starship after school. “You can't prove anything,” almost became the school motto. The wrapping on the gift in front of me was decorated with Smuggler's Run images, but the box was too small. I guess my subtle hints at wanting my own Runner hadn't quite worked. “Thanks Mum and Dad,” I said as I hurriedly unwrapped it. It was a Smuggler 'Morgan' action figure. Disappointed, I imagined it wouldn't be flying over the other kids' heads at school any time soon. It looked at me and made a rude gesture.
“Action figures were different in my day,” said Dad.
I'm looking for feedback on this first 13 and for anyone interested in a crit of the complete 499 word flash piece. Cheers! [ps - for the curious; the first section break is after line 12, hence the break above]
Posted by Dame (Member # 8513) on :
This hooked me in. I'll read it if you want to send it over.
I found the repetition of "school" in the first two lines a bit clunky. If there is any way to get rid of the "after school" one, it would be smoother.
But the idea of radio controlled spaceships is very good. I want one. And the hint of action with the figure is great.
Looking forward to see what happens...
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
I'll give it a go.
Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :
Great start.
I'll read it, too.
Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :
Hi,
Send it through,
Nick
Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :
At 500 words, I'll crit it twice. Send it on over, if you like.
Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :
Sent! Thanks all. And yes, at <500 words I'm finding it a great length to try and tighten up my writing.