I'd like to know thoughts on the first thirteen and if anyone is willing to have a read through of the entire story. Thanks to all who critiqued in the contest. It was truly helpful.
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I can’t quite recall the first time I could smell someone's imminent death. What I do remember clearly is when I first put things together and realized what that bitter scent indicated. I spent a good deal of time during my early childhood in the sewers with Da, and it was either get accustomed to the stink or get a beating for wasting a meal when it came back up. I’m proud to say that he only had to beat me three times before I learned to stifle my nausea. Da was a hard man, but he loved us in his own way. I can see that now, though it took too many long years to let go of my anger.
Da was the Sewer Master for our district and was responsible for making sure everything operated as intended. It was honest work, and he took pride in it. In fact, there hadn’t been a major
Version 2:
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I can’t quite recall the first time I could smell someone's imminent death. What I do remember clearly is when I first put things together and realized what that bitter scent indicated. I suppose it was always there on some level, but not having had much previous exposure to human death, it’s impossible to say for sure. There was no fantastical revelation like you read about in the stories. I’m not even aware of it being something passed down through family lines. Simply, I could just smell that someone was going to die.
Da was the Sewer Master for our district and took us boys with him when he went to work. It was early in the spring, just as the snows were starting to melt. Soon the floods would come and flush out the sewers, removing the buildup of the previous year.
[This message has been edited by Bycin (edited March 24, 2009).]
I’ll read it through. My worry with this 1st 13 is that it’s very heavy on backstory and exposition rather than putting me dynamically into the protagonist’s story. I suspect you’ve started the story at the wrong place from reading this first thirteen. The background does sound interesting, but not quite enough to justify forming the start of the story. You can probably fold this into the narrative after the inciting incident.
Nick
Hey Nick,
Thanks for volunteering to read. Your point is well taken and I realized I had way too much unnecessary back story in there that really served no purpose. The ideas could be expanded for other stories, but really had no fit here.
I've sent the story. Your help and insight are appreciated.
*edited to add* Thanks, C L Lynn. It is on its way to you also
[This message has been edited by Bycin (edited March 23, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Bycin (edited March 24, 2009).]
The sentiment is nice, but it feels like I am slogging through sludge myself to get started.
I did laugh at the title. That's a gem.
I'd be happy to take a crack at it. Send it along.
- Owasm
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 23, 2009).]
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I can’t quite recall the first time I could smell someone's imminent death.[[Why not? It seems to me that, unless this character is ancient, this would be a memorable moment...perhaps even an inciting moment.]] What I do remember clearly is when I first put things together and realized what that bitter scent indicated. [[To me, this clearly contradicts the opening sentence. Worded differently of course, but it is the same happening.]] I spent a good deal of time during my early childhood in the sewers with Da, and it was either get accustomed to the stink or get a beating for wasting a meal when it came back up.[[Moving backwards]] I’m proud to say that he only had to beat me three times before I learned to stifle my nausea. Da was a hard man, but he loved us in his own way. I can see that now, though it took too many long years to let go of my anger.
Da was the Sewer Master for our district and was responsible for making sure everything operated as intended. It was honest work, and he took pride in it. In fact, there hadn’t been a major
This is almost entirely exposition. A good deal of that seemed wordy also. I questioned its relevance.
I think the priority here is to create the inciting moment and build from there. The premise seems interesting, but we were only offered a glimpse of it. I will be glad to give it a once over if you need a reader.
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I just noticed your revision. I think it is better to include that in the original post. I don't always read everyone elses comments before making my own. Send er along iffin you nead a reader.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 24, 2009).]