Hatrack River Writers Workshop: True Stories

This is topic True Stories in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Kitti (Member # 7277) on :

Hi all - this one's fantasy/fairy-tale with a twist. It's at 6300 words and I'd love comments on the first 13 and/or offers to read the whole thing. Fair warning: it's probably PG because there's some discussion of the princess' conception, but nothing graphic I promise.

revised version:

His Royal Highness was not having the adventure he had always dreamed about.

Prince Aeric had thought it would be so easy - after all, wasn't it always easy in the stories? The dashing prince only had to get on his horse, ride to where the fair maiden lay waiting for him, win his way past her guardians through strength of arms or wit, and claim his prize. Simple. Only the tales didn't mention being saddle-sore. Or it raining constantly and half his escort catching sick. Or being lost in the woods. And when he finally broke down and asked for directions...

"She's in there, somewhere," the peasant said, gesturing at the massive ruin before them. "Good luck finding her."

"Wait! In there where?" Somehow, Aeric hadn't

first version:

His Royal Highness, the Crown Prince Aeric Jakove of Castenia, was not having the adventure he had always dreamed about.

He had thought it would be so easy - after all, wasn't it always easy in the stories? The dashing prince only had to get on his horse, ride to where the fair maiden lay waiting for him, win his way past her guardians through strength of arms or wit, and claim his prize. Simple. Only the tales didn't mention being saddle-sore. Or it raining constantly and half his escort catching sick. Or being lost in the woods. And when he had finally broken down and asked for directions...

"She's in there, somewhere," the peasant said, gesturing at the massive ruin before them. "Good luck finding her."

"Wait! In there where?" Somehow, Aeric hadn't

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 24, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kitti (edited March 25, 2009).]

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

Hi Kitti

the Crown Prince Aeric Jakove of Castenia, I found the first sentence moved faster and seemed a little more amusing once I dropped this on the re-read. I wonder then if the full name could be introduced a little at a time over the following paragraphs (ie, The Crown Prince instead of He on the following sentence, and you mention Castenia in an appropriate context towards the end of the fragment so of Castenia is less necessary).

And when he had finally broken down and asked for directions Two thoughts here; one is that 'broken down' means, to me, a machine stopped working (ie, my car broke down, the car has broken down). Although you know that cars can't be in this story and so the language is clear, your reader might not have made that assumption yet and so this may be confusing.

The other thought with this passage is whether it is necessary to jump us backwards into past perfect tense with 'had', or whether we can be kept in the action a little more. I'm no grammar guru, but I wonder if when the paragraph put us into past perfect tense (He had thought) the additional 'had' later is then throwing me.

[italics] - just use 'i' instead of 'italics' and it'll work

Posted by sjsampson (Member # 8075) on :

quote:
His Royal Highness, the Crown Prince Aeric Jakove of Castenia, I skipped most of the name. was not having the adventure he had always dreamed about.
He had thought it would be so easy Did he really dream of easy adventures? Sounds boring. - after all, wasn't it always easy in the stories? The dashing prince only had to get on his horse, ride to where the fair maiden lay waiting for him, win his way past her guardians through strength of arms or wit, and claim his prize. Simple. Only the tales didn't mention being saddle-sore. Or it raining constantly and half his escort catching sick. Or being lost in the woods. The list of the actual occurrences do not contrast well with the 'easy' mentioned earlier. These things aren't hard. I think what you really meant is he expected excitement and got frustrated/mundane/boring instead. And when he had finally broken down and asked for directions...
"She's in there, somewhere," the peasant said, gesturing at the massive ruin before them. "Good luck finding her." I think you are trying for humor. Otherwise, I can't imagine a peasant addressing a prince that way.
"Wait! In there where?" Somehow, Aeric hadn't

I think BenM is right. There is some past perfect in there that could be handled differently.

I'm curious to find out if he gets the girl. And is she a fair maiden? Send it along. I'll read.

Posted by Kitti (Member # 7277) on :

Thanks for the idea on the first sentence. I think you're right - it definitely reads better that way. (As does getting rid of that pesky past perfect.) I'll kick around some other ways to phrase the asking for directions and see if I can't come up with something less ambiguous.

Do you think it would read better if I switched around the words "simple" and "easy"? I was going for a bit of naivete with respect to all the practical parts of having an adventure. He really doesn't have a clue what he's getting himself into.